


Don't Look Back

by KabiViolet



Series: To Feel Alive [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friendship, Love, New Relationship, Non-Canon Relationship, Political tension, Post-Game(s), Pregnancy, Romance, Smut, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-01-09 14:50:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1147275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KabiViolet/pseuds/KabiViolet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The galaxy is in a state of repair after the end of the Reaper War. Commander Shepard and Major Coats have discovered they have much more in common than concern for the fate of the galaxy. With peace, new struggles and conflicts will surface, but Shepard and Coats no longer have to suffer through them alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Are the One

**Author's Note:**

> Originally inspired by [this prompt](http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/7006.html?thread=33077854#t33077854) on the kinkmeme, but quickly became something more than a simple fill.
> 
> Still slightly AU. Part 2 will pick up where part 1 left off. However, part 2 will be told from Major Coats' point of view through a series of flashbacks and current events.
> 
> Finally - credit to BioWare for its wonderful characters and the playground it allows me to play in.  
>  
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy and thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> Song for the chapter: [You Are the One](http://youtu.be/RFSmvZRLZWU)
> 
> Shiny Toy Guns

_Vancouver, British Columbia, Earth - 2177 CE_

 

_“Damn, why couldn’t our unit be lucky enough to get somebody like her?”_

_Phillip Coats turned to look at his friend beside him at the bar._

_“Are you saying that because she’s a good marine?” he asked as he took another swig of his beer. “Or because you like the way she fills out a uniform?”_

_“How about a bit of both?” Tom Billings smiled at him as he took another drink from his own glass. “And Jesus, Coats, your British talk is too damn proper sometimes. Why can’t ya just say somethin’ like, ‘I’d tap that.’ Besides, that Lieutenant’s tits are too small to fill out a uniform, but she does have other redeemin’ features.”_

_“You mean her service record, right?” Coats quipped, annoyed with Billings’ presence. It had been like this almost every time the news special flashed on the screen above them. Lieutenant Sarah Shepard was on every news station after single-handedly killing a thresher maw on Akuze. She was the sole survivor of the mission, but Coats was in awe as the reporters told and retold the story of how she defeated a thresher maw on foot after her entire squad was massacred by the beast._

_And each time her face popped up on the screen, Coats’ breath was nearly knocked out of him. She looked so small, her red hair blowing in the wind as she jumped into a rescue shuttle. The camera zoomed as close as it could and Coats couldn’t stop himself from gaping at the wide, bright green eyes staring down the camera as if it were yet another monstrosity she had to kill - just another day on the job. He marveled at how someone so small and striking could have so much determination and strength._

_Billings was similarly impressed but for altogether different reasons, commenting each time the scene replayed on the screen about the shape of the Lieutenant’s ass as she jumped into the shuttle. Every time his friend opened his mouth, Coats was regretting inviting him out for their first night on leave, but Billings was his closest friend on their squad. They had been together since Basic and something about that experience brought them together like no other. Billings could be shallow, but when life got real - on a mission or off - Coats knew that the blonde American would always have his back._

_“I’d love to be another mark in that service record,” Billings smiled, but Coats shot him a stern glare. Billings shook his head and said, “Lighten up, Coats. I know it’s been a rough day and all, but shit. Have a little fun, ok? So ya make it home after months in the field and your girl dumps you. It’s not the end of the world. Remember that you are on_ leave! _You’re supposed to relax. Let’s find you someone warm to cozy up next to and forget all about Mona.”_

_“That just wouldn’t feel right,” Coats said, returning to his drink and his formerly somber expression._

_“You just ain’t drunk enough yet,” Billings said and turned to the bartender. “Miss, another round for my friend here. He’s havin’ a rough night and could use some cheerin’ up.”_

_After several seconds, Coats saw another drink placed in front of him and grimaced. Luckily, a buxom brunette had caught Billings’ attention in the corner of the bar and for the first time that night, Coats found himself alone with his drink at the bar. He sighed as he drank peacefully. Five and then ten minutes went by until the news special flashed up on the screen again. Coats looked up to watch the fiery Lieutenant jump into the shuttle again, her face mesmerizing him as it had each time it lit up the screen._

_“The story is unbelievable. That Lieutenant must be something pretty special.”_

_Coats looked up, surprised to find the bartender watching him intently. He hadn’t really noticed her until now, but she smiled as their eyes met._

_“I’ve noticed you stare at the screen each time she comes on,” the bartender said. “You know her?”_

_“No,” Coats shook his head. “I’m just impressed.”_

_He didn’t add what he was_ really _thinking._

I wish I knew her...

_“You sure that’s all?” the bartender asked._

_“Like my friend said, just had a rough day.”_

_“I get off in fifteen minutes. I could help you forget all about that rough day.” Coats eyebrows shot up in surprise. She was bold; he would give her that. The bartender looked flustered before she spoke again. “I don’t usually take customers home from the bar, but there’s...something about you. You’re different from the others that usually show up in this place.”_

_“I probably shouldn’t,” he said with a shocked smile. “This day combined with the alcohol means I’m a sucker for a pretty face right now.” He didn’t really mean to flirt, but the alcohol was making him feel a little bit better. He didn’t miss the bartender’s continued gaze as she started to clean up behind the bar._

_“Mona, right?” she asked._

_“What?” Coats asked, almost dropping his drink._

_“That was the name of the girl stupid enough to dump you. I heard your friend talking.”_

_“Yeah, well, I’ve been gone a long time. I don’t really blame her. It’s lonely to be a marine’s girlfriend.” Now Coats took a long drink. This conversation was not going where he had expected._

_“She was an idiot. You were just doing your duty - serving the Alliance and all that. If I had a soldier like you out there, I would wait however long it took for you to come home.”_

_Coats dared to get a better look at the woman. She was pretty, no doubt about it. Her eyes were a muted aqua that looked out from underneath thick, side-cut, auburn bangs. He had loved Mona with her dark hair and black eyes to match, but if Coats was honest with himself, he preferred redheads. Like the girl looking at him from beneath her thick bangs and dark lashes behind the bar. Like the Lieutenant on the screen._

_“What’s your name?” he asked, his former reservations slowly breaking down with each gulp of the drink in front of him. Maybe Billings was right. Maybe he would feel better if he could forget Mona for just a little while..._

_“Cammy,” she said with a wink. “Like I said, I get off in fifteen minutes. Think your friend will mind if we ditch him?”_

_Coats took a second to look behind him at Billings in the corner, who had managed to get the brunette from earlier in his lap while making her laugh, pulling her close to whisper in her ear._

_“Not a bit,” he said as he turned back around. He had one more strong drink before he left the bar and led Cammy to the suite he was renting while on leave in Vancouver. She wasn’t Mona and part of Coats felt disloyal, but Mona had said she already had someone else. She was done with him. Completely. He needed to move on, too. Perhaps rebound sex wasn’t the best idea, but it was beginning to feel right, or maybe that was the alcohol talking._

_And Cammy was a beautiful woman. Her lips tasted like cherries and she had soft, slender hands. Her hair was even softer than it looked, and Coats loved touching it. He ran his hands through her hair as often as he could while removing various articles of clothing._

_He had thought this would be difficult, the night after the end of his first serious relationship, but he completely forgot about Mona once he had Cammy beneath him. Her arms were warm and inviting as he found solace in her embrace. In the dim light that poured through the slits of the blinds of his cheap suite, her aqua eyes shone like stars._

_But as he moved within the auburn-haired bartender with the soft hands and big eyes, Coats’ mind drifted to another woman. Not Mona. Not anyone he knew personally. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the strange street light pouring through the window. But whatever it was, as if by magic, Cammy’s face and figure became that of the beautiful Lieutenant he had seen on the screen. Cammy’s breasts were too large for the fantasy forming in his mind, but Coats imagined they were smaller, like Shepard’s had looked on the news. And when his world exploded with sunbursts, he heard himself call out a name that did not belong to the woman beneath him or the woman he had loved until earlier that day._

_Cammy was kind. She didn’t say anything afterwards. She seemed to understand. Coats pretended to be asleep while the bartender quietly dressed and headed for the door. Through the half-closed slits of his eyelids, he saw her turn around briefly in the doorway and look at him before the door slid shut behind her._

_He let out a sigh of relief once he was alone and turned onto his back to stare at the ceiling in the dark as he whispered the name again, its syllables falling from his lips as if they had always belonged there._

_“Shepard.”_

 

*******************************************************************************************************

 

Kha'stan, Khar’shan - 2188 CE

 

He had always been a morning person. Usually it was a trait he liked about himself, but as Phillip Coats awoke in the loft of the Normandy at 0600 on the dot, he cursed his biological clock and wished he could have had just one more hour of peaceful sleep next to the woman he loved.

He wasn’t sure what else he could want from life now. Yesterday had been a day of revelations. He was frustrated that he had not told Shepard about his feelings earlier. How much time they had wasted. He had admired her for so long, idolizing her from afar, like most marines with a pulse, since Akuze hit the news and even more so when she was made a Spectre. But when he met her in person, his world completely changed. And then when he had touched her for the first time in the dark alley on Earth, he knew he would never be the same. No one captivated his heart like this brazen, fiery, amazingly beautiful redhead.

He absolutely adored her.

And now she slept soundly with his arms around her. He clenched and unclenched his left hand, waking it up from being tucked beneath Sarah’s body the entire night. With his right arm draped over her waist, he pulled her as close as he dared without waking her. Both of them were stark naked as they lay in bed, her back pressed tightly against his chest as she slept. Coats struggled not to move so he wouldn’t wake her, listening to the soft rise and fall of her breath and taking in the warm scent of her hair.

But their mutual love for each other wasn’t the only revelation of the previous night. Shepard had done even more for him than love him back - a fact that Coats still found unbelievable; the fact that Commander Sarah Shepard, the hero of the galaxy, loved _him_ of all people, was the stuff of impossible dreams. Phillip Coats didn’t think he was very special - a simple marine from London who had never done anything of great consequence until the Reapers hit Earth. And Shepard - _his_ Sarah - loved him.

But not only that, she was going to make him a father.

Coats wasn’t even sure how to comprehend the joy that filled his heart at the thought that not only did the woman he loved love him back, but they were going to bring a life into the world. Together.

But at 0645, Coats had a problem. The more he thought about the beauty and wonder of the woman in his arms, the more he realized that his body was reacting outwardly to the perfect form of the naked Commander in his arms...as well as the time of day. He groaned quietly into the back of Shepard’s neck as he felt himself hardening despite his mental efforts to stop it. When he brushed against the soft curves of Sarah’s ass, he pushed his hips away in the hopes that Sarah could get a few more minutes of desperately needed sleep. But the more he tried to will the problem away, the worse it became. Even at the age of 31, he sometimes still felt like an awkward schoolboy around this smart, experienced woman.

Finally, at 0715, and just when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore, she began to stir in his arms. Watching just over her shoulder from his own pillow, he saw her eyes flutter open as she turned her head to look at him and smile.

“You stayed,” she whispered.

“I will always stay,” he replied, still jutting his hips away to avoid the embarrassing moment he was sure would ensue if she discovered his problem. “As long as you want me.”

She craned her neck to the side and captured his mouth with hers. Coats struggled to maintain any sense of composure as their tongues touched. He knew it was simple biology combining with the powerful feelings in his chest to work against him, but this was next to impossible to contain. He wanted her so badly.

And then it happened. She reached behind her with one of her small, nimble hands and gripped his erection tightly, stroking it slowly as he pulled away from her and gasped.

“Oh fuck,” he said, ashamed and relieved at the same time. He had been waiting a half an hour with that painful desire. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it. We’ve never woken up together. It’s morning and my God, Sarah, your body is ama--”

“Shhh,” she whispered as she kissed him and turned around to press her back into his chest again while maintaining her grip on his cock. “I’ve been awake for fifteen minutes. You were too much of a gentleman to take what you wanted, and I’m tired of waiting.”

And with that, she lifted one of her legs slightly to allow him entrance from behind as he moaned with pleasure and relief. With the hand underneath her body, he squeezed a free breast and moved his right hand down between her legs to find that she was already soaked.

“You are such a mean tease,” he whispered in her ear.

“You know you love it,” she replied as he used his right hand to guide himself inside her tight, wet channel.

“God, do I,” Coats sighed as he pressed inside her. They moved as one on the bed. His left arm was still painfully asleep, but he didn’t care as he felt the tight walls of the galaxy’s savior clench around his cock buried deep within her. He loved the sound of her moans and heavy breathing as he brought her close to climax only to slow down his thrusts and tease her with his tongue on the back of her neck and his fingers between her folds. Her nipple tightened in his grasp and Coats still marveled at how amazing this woman felt. His thrusts became more earnest and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer.

Just before he spilled inside her, he heard the woman in his arms whisper, “Tell me you love me.”

“I love you,” he said. “You have no idea how much.”

Their matching cries echoed off the walls of the cabin as they came together, and each time he heard Sarah Shepard call out his name in ecstasy, Phillip Coats thought he might explode with joy.

Once it was over, Sarah sat up abruptly in the bed. Surprised, Coats stroked her naked back as she moved to the edge of the mattress. She quickly brought up her omni-tool and looked as if she were ready to stand up and leave him.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” he asked, reaching for her waist with both hands, but she slipped from his grasp and turned to face him. He had to stop himself from gasping each time he saw her fully nude. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen in his life. And she was his.

“I have just given us both the day off,” she said with a wicked grin. “I think we both deserve it, don’t you? Besides, I don’t want to deal with the fucking batarians today when I could be dealing with fucking you.”

Coats chuckled as he propped himself up on one elbow to watch her as she crawled back onto the bed and planted a deep kiss on his lips. He reached up and gripped her head behind her ear, stroking her fiery red hair with his fingers - that hair that had captivated his attention so many years ago...

“Then why are you getting up?” he asked as he pulled away from the kiss but reached for her with his free hand.

“I plan on taking a shower,” she winked as she twisted away from him and headed for the stairs. “Ever wanted to see if the captain’s shower is really any better than the rest?”

“It has to be. The captain’s in it,” Coats said as he threw off the covers and laughed at Shepard’s mock look of aggravation. He followed her to the bathroom, pausing briefly outside the door as she disappeared inside it. Part of him still couldn’t believe what had happened in the last 24 hours. He quickly stopped pondering his good fortune when the bright red head of his Commander popped around the door to give him a quizzical look.

“You coming or what?” she asked with a grin. Coats didn’t have to be told twice. With a smile he followed her into the shower, and just before she turned the water on, he said, “I will always come for you.” Shepard’s face flickered in surprise, but she wrapped her arms around his neck and repaid him with a kiss.


	2. Daydreamer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Daydreamer](http://youtu.be/cKhw_Zbcdto)
> 
> Adele

_London, England, Earth - 2183 CE_

 

_The stars mocked Coats from their lofty perches high above Earth’s surface. Their distant light made him shiver as he threw his cigarette on the ground, snuffing it out with his boot. Once the warmth of the smoke no longer filled his lungs, he realized how cold the early morning air was without it. He took one last look at the fading night sky before heading back inside his family’s home. He had been granted leave in London, which was a rare occurrence, and had spent as much time with his parents and sister as possible._

_It was not often that he got to spend so much time with them, but now he had to return to the stars. His next post awaited him, and with it had come a promotion. Lieutenant Phillip Coats. It had a nice ring to it. But that was one of the things that made his return to duty so bittersweet._

_Once inside, he gave a long, last look at his room, his rucksack already packed the night before. Grabbing it firmly, he sighed briefly as he flicked off the light and quietly left the peace of his own room behind. A voice stopped him just before he placed his hand over the panel by the front door._

_“You didn’t think you could leave without saying goodbye, did you?”_

_Coats spun around quickly to see his sister, Maggie, flicking on the light in the entryway behind him. He smiled at her as she shivered in nothing but her pajama shorts and t-shirt, her bare toes curling under her feet for warmth on the cold floor._

_“I didn’t want to wake you,” he said as he dropped his ruck next to him and stepped toward his sister, wrapping her up in a tight hug and rubbing her back for warmth. “You should have at least put on some socks.”_

_“I was afraid I wouldn’t make it to you in time,” she smiled up at him, her dark, disheveled hair falling over her sleepy eyes. “When will you be home again?”_

_“You know I don’t know the answer to that, Mags,” Coats replied with a creased brow as he brushed a stray hair out of his sister’s face. “But as soon as I can be home, I will be. I promise.”_

_“I have a bad feeling…”_

_“You and your bad feelings,” he chuckled at his sister, pulling back from her slightly to see her face better in the dim hall light. “I will be fine. I’m well-trained and you know Billings_ _always has my back. Just go do something fun with Amelia this evening, you’ll forget all about any bad feelings you had this morning while you’re still half-asleep.”_

_“But it feels different this time. Like everything in our lives is about to change,” she said with a pursed smile. Coats didn’t know how to respond, so he just pursed his own lips and waited until Maggie spoke again. “Speaking of Billings...think you could bring him by next time you’re home?”_

_Coats rolled his eyes and smirked at his little sister. She had had a thing for Billings since the first time Coats had introduced his best friend to his family after Basic Training._

_“There is absolutely no way I am letting that man near my baby sister.”_

_“Phil -”_

_“Maggie. No fucking way. Not without a proper chaperone at all times.”_

_“You bastard.”_

_“You love me.”_

_“I do,” Maggie smiled as she looked up with admiration at her big brother. “Call as soon as you can, ok?”_

_She ducked her head and pulled him tight against her as she pressed her face against his chest. Coats hugged her back and kissed her gently on the top of her head._

_“And quit smoking while you’re at it,” Maggie added as she released him and wiped an invisible tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s disgusting. How will you ever find me a proper sister-in-law if no one wants to kiss you?”_

_“Believe me, Maggie,” Coats grinned as he picked up his bag again, “I still get plenty of girls to kiss me and-”_

_His sister raised her hands in protest as she squinted her eyes shut with disgust._

_“Ok, ok. You didn’t have to go that far. Ew. Bad mental picture.”_

_“And I’m supposed to be ok with you and Billings? Seriously, Mags. I’m 27. And you’re 18. It’s not like - “_

_“But you’re my_ brother _. I don’t care how old we are. It’s just...no...ew. Now get out of here before I start to cry.” Maggie made a kicking motion with her leg and then quickly wrapped her arms around her own shoulders to stop shivering._

_“Fine, fine,” Coats said as he turned for the door, but just before he raised his hand to exit, he quickly turned back around to his little sister._

_“I love you, Mags,” he said as he abruptly pulled her head toward him and placed another kiss on her forehead before quickly exiting into the cold early morning without another look back. The skycar he had called for was already waiting. He didn’t have to turn around to know that Maggie was still watching him from the window, just as she had everytime he left since she was nine years old._

_He watched the horizon change colors as the skycar sped past the familiar streets of London to the base outside the city limits. He loved his home. There was no doubt about it that this was the best place to be when the blue of the night sky turned to red and then orange, following the path of the sun until the peaceful lighter blue of true morning settled behind the London skyline. But the drive to the military base always went by quickly and after Coats had stored his belongings in his locker, it was like he had never left._

_Coats immediately looked for Billings, but couldn’t find him anywhere near the lockers. In fact, he found none of his regular friends on the crew deck. Billings, Stroup, Singh...he hadn’t seen a single one of them. There were a few new recruits in the crews’ quarters, but where were his friends? The ship was strangely quiet. Admittedly, he was a few minutes late - 0704 instead of 0700 - but not so much that everyone would already be strictly to posts yet._

_Coats wandered from deck to deck, stumbling upon small groups of marines, but none of them were the ones he was looking for. Finally, he ended up in the cargo hold. As the elevator doors slid open, he found all of his friends crowded in a tight-knit group in the corner._

What the hell are they doing? They’re not even talking. What in the world could shut _Billings’_ big mouth?

_As he moved closer, he could see that Billings, Stroup, and Singh, along with a handful of other marines, were staring intently at a vid display from one of their omni-tools. Finally, he reached the circle and Billings looked up at him in surprise._

_“Coats!” Billings said in surprise as he motioned for Singh to pause the vid. “It’s not like you to be late. Couldn’t believe I beat ya. We thought about waitin’ for ya, but the news was just too good to wait.”_

_“Had to say goodbye to the family. What news?” Coats asked. “What’s going on?”_

_“Was your sister home? Did she ask about me?” Billings shot Coats a teasing look._

_“Don’t even think about it. Maggie’s off limits to the likes of you. She’s way too young for you anyway. But don’t change the subject - what’s all this about?”_

_Billings shrugged Coats’ rejection off and replied, “We found out when we arrived. It happened a few hours ago on Citadel time, but the Captain just got the report when he came back to the ship. He was goin’ on and on about it. You know how he is. Even gave us permission to report to assignments at 0730 since we’re not leavin’ until 0900 anyway.”_

_It was then that the display on Raj’s omni-tool finally registered with a memory in Coats’ mind. He hadn’t looked closely before, but now that he had joined his circle of friends, he could see what it was they were all staring at. And just as the image had every time he had seen it before, what was hanging in the air in front of him nearly took his breath away. Coats tried to control his emotions as he looked into the bright green eyes that he had dreamt about so many times in the past six years. But Billings didn’t miss a thing. The American laughed loudly and slapped Coats on the back before he spoke again._

_“That’s right, Coats,” he said. “It’s your girlfriend. She’s back in the news again. And you’ll never guess what she’s goin’ down in history for now.”_

_“What?” Coats asked, his teeth on edge._

_“First fuckin’ human Spectre.”_

_Coats couldn’t take his eyes away from the display. Shepard wasn’t jumping into a rescue shuttle as she stared back at him. Her bright red hair wasn’t blowing in the wind of Akuze. She was completely different in this paused vid-frame. Her jaw was set. Her brow was stern. Her hair was pinned neatly in a ponytail at the back of her head. She was flanked on one side by a male marine Coats had never seen before and a turian in a C-Sec uniform on the other._

_But her eyes locked Coats in place, just as they had everytime he saw her on the news._

_“Play it,” he said, barely above a whisper. “From the beginning.”_

_He watched in silent admiration as Commander Sarah Shepard was inducted into the Spectres. If Coats had respected this woman before, he had no idea what to call the feelings he had now. He knew she was something special after Akuze all those years ago. The human race had picked up on that as well, featuring her in the occasional news interview and countless documentaries and film adaptations of the events that had made her famous. But now the galaxy was recognizing her, too. It wasn’t just Earth and the Alliance that knew there was something different about Shepard. Something truly unique. Something that made people watch in awe as she became a Spectre. Something that made people want to follow her. Something that made Phillip Coats want to follow her._

_Something made from the stuff of heroes._

_What he wouldn’t give to meet her, to see her - hell, just to be in the same room with her._

“All right, soldiers,” _the Captain’s voice said over the ship’s intercom, startling the entire group that was watching the news clip._ “We have deadlines to meet and an assignment to tackle. Playtime’s over. Get your asses to posts.”

_Coats’ heart sank as Singh shut off the display, but he knew they all had to move. The Captain must have been in awe enough of the history that had just occurred that he wanted to watch it, too, but he was right. The Alliance wouldn’t care that they had taken a break to watch history. Besides, he could always replay the broadcast later when his shift was over._

_“Damn shame,” Billings said as the group headed for the elevator._

_“What is?” Coats asked._

_“There’s absolutely no way in hell Shepard will ever be assigned to our ship now,” the American said with a half-smile. “They don’t assign_ Spectres _to grunt posts like ours.”_

_“You never know,” Coats replied, mirroring Billings’ expression. “We just nailed a pair of promotions. Maybe we’ll be assigned to_ her _ship someday.”_

_“Keep dreamin’,” Billings laughed. “That’s what I like about you, Coats. Always optimistic. But make good friends with that hand of yours, ‘cause hell will freeze over before any of us get to see Shepard in action.”_

_“Fuck off, Billings,” Coats chimed back and lightly punched his friend on the shoulder. But as the group dispersed to their respective assignments, Coats smiled silently to himself and resolved to quit smoking._

 

********************************************************************************************************

 

Kha’stan, Khar’shan - 2188 CE

 

The return to work on Khar’shan hadn’t been as awkward as Coats anticipated. The crew had to have noticed that both he and Shepard were missing for over 36 hours, but whether out of respect or fear, no one said a thing. The heat of the mid-day sun beat down on Coats as he decided to take a break in the shade of the ship. After finishing his daily distribution of water to those working in the heat, he decided his own break was well-deserved.

He leaned against a crate and sighed with relief as cool water trickled down his throat. He squinted into the sun to find Shepard, wherever she was. He soon saw her helping Chakwas, administering shots and other medicine to the young and old alike. He couldn’t help but smile in the few moments when she didn’t know he was watching her.

She didn’t think much of herself in certain respects. While she knew that she was a great soldier, Coats also knew that Shepard felt clumsy and not very feminine. But she was so much more beautiful than she realized or gave herself credit for. The gentle way she tipped her head when she was listening to someone. The strength in her arms as she used them to help those around her. He loved every little thing about her, every nuance, every expression. He even loved her stern nature, because it was distinctly _her._ And she wasn’t always harsh. She could be soft and loving when she wanted to be, and Phillip Coats was one of the few people in the galaxy who knew that first-hand.

He wanted to scream until his lungs gave out that Shepard was his, but she had asked him to let her handle the news slowly and in her own way; they would figure it out as they went. He acquiesced to her wishes. She was more than he had ever dreamed, and the best part was that he knew when today was over, they would retreat to a cabin together and she would remain in his arms until morning. That was more important than the whole galaxy knowing that Commander Shepard loved him. It would all come in time. Coats could wait. After all, she didn’t just love him - they were going to make a family together.

He watched as she pulled up the sleeve of a batarian child before placing the vaccine gun on his arm and pressing the release button. The child winced for a brief moment, but when his four eyes opened, he smiled and jumped forward, wrapping his arms around Shepard’s neck in a tight hug. Coats almost spit the water he had just swallowed out of his mouth, not just at the strangeness of a batarian child hugging the human responsible for the deaths of so many batarians, but at Shepard’s reaction. Her eyes at first were wide with shock. Then her expression changed to one of pure confusion as if to say, “What the fuck do I do with this thing?” Finally, she relaxed as a half-smile spread across her face, returning the hug of the innocent child who thanked her for bringing him a new pair of shoes and medicine.

They were simple things, shoes and medicine. But those simple things were slowly mending gaping wounds between the two races. And who better to teach them all about forgiveness and compassion than a child and the savior of the galaxy.

His near-choking experience must have caught Shepard’s eye, because she caught him in his musings with a scolding glance. He just smiled back at her and shrugged. As Shepard went back to her work, Coats felt another pair of eyes watching him nearby. He turned his head slightly to see Williams staring at him from a station just past Shepard’s.

Sarah had said she would explain their misunderstanding to those of her friends who needed to know. Coats trusted that she would if she hadn’t already done so, but he still wasn’t sure how they would react. He had wanted so much to be friends with all of them, hoping that if he were friends with the same people that their liaison would become something more than, well, a liaison. For a while, he had thought it might work when he was invited to various occasions with “the group.” Ashley had always made sure of that, which was why, along with the fact that Ashley seemed to be Shepard’s closest friend on the Normandy, of all the new friends he had made since this adventure started, Williams’ opinion was one of those that mattered the most.

His chest clenched under Williams’ gaze, but after a second of eye contact, he noticed that she was actually smiling at him. In fact, she raised her hand to wave at him. Realizing that Shepard must have already explained the situation to Ashley, Coats returned the wave as he saw Vakarian walk up to her. Noticing where she was looking, the turian turned to find Coats as well and nodded his head politely in his direction before stealing Ashley’s attention from their mutual glance of understanding. He didn’t know what Sarah had said to her friends, but clearly, she had done what she said she would do and it was taken care of. Coats was sure that becoming fully inducted into the “gang” would not be so easy, but the first hurdle was overcome at least.

His thoughts so preoccupied his mind, that he didn’t notice a new presence next to him in the shade. Its voice startled him.

“Commander Shepard,” it said, the words piercing the air with a strange accent. Coats spun his head to see Varom leaning against a crate and crossing his arms. The batarian running point for the rescue effort on Khar’shan wasn’t looking at Coats; he was staring straight ahead at Shepard with a neutral expression. “I had never met her in person until now. She’s not exactly what I expected - definitely something else altogether.”

Coats huffed quietly and turned back to watch Sarah again. “You’re not the first person to say something like that,” he replied.

“Would that include you?” Varom asked. Coats nodded.

“Me and everyone else who has ever met her, I would imagine, because it’s true. There’s no one else like her.”

The pair of men were silent for a few moments, both of them continuing to watch Shepard perform her duties. It was nothing _that_ interesting, and Coats wondered at Varom’s prolonged silence and attention to the Commander’s menial task. Varom must have felt uncomfortable in the strained quiet, because he broke the awkward tension first.

“We - my people, that is - are grateful for your assistance,” he said slowly and deliberately.

“We are happy to provide it,” Coats replied with a smile. He was well-aware that many people mocked him for his hope that the galaxy could truly be repaired; in fact, his hope was that the galaxy would even be better than it was before the Reaper War, that the races of the Milky Way would learn they needed each other to survive.

He hadn’t always been this hopeful. The devastating first attack on Earth’s cities had left him gasping for life and nearly hopeless in that tower in London, but his life had changed since then. Changed for the better. And all because of one woman. One woman who had saved them all and restored his faith in humanity, in life, and in hope. Now, Coats chose to be the optimist - to lift others when he could, including the batarians. Including Varom.

“I’m not sure I believe that statement,” Varom said. “I know how the Council races feel about my own race, but I will still accept the help for the sake of my people.”

There was a strange bite to Varom’s tone that Coats didn’t know how to read. He wanted to pry deeper into the batarian’s double meaning, but he wasn’t sure how.

“You’ve made it easy for us,” he said carefully. “I must admit, Varom, that you run a tight operation. It’s been extremely helpful to work with a group of people so organized.”

“Our planet was decimated,” Varom said, the bite to his tone still evident. Coats bristled, preparing for the verbal onslaught he expected, blaming Shepard for the near destruction of the batarian people. But Varom’s response was nowhere near what Coats expected. “But we are survivors. I had planned for weeks for this rescue effort. We really are an efficient and extremely organized people, even if the Council looks down on us. I don’t completely blame you for doing so. To see us from the viewpoint of an outsider, we would appear offensive and primitive, I’m sure. Before this cursed War, I traveled the galaxy like you. I know our customs seem strange to others. But perhaps we are not really so different, you and I. Perhaps it is time to put old wounds to rest.”

Varom paused, his gaze still intent on Shepard’s profile as she smiled at another child stepping up for a vaccination.

“Regardless,” he finally continued, shifting his weight and uncrossing his arms as he finally turned to look at Coats. “I refuse to let political machinations and selfish power struggles get in the way of my people’s survival and recovery, despite what other leaders of my race may say or do.”

So that was it. Coats willed his face to remain neutral. He did not want Varom to see his shock, but he understood the batarian’s veiled message. Varom was just as frustrated with Balak as Shepard was, perhaps even more so, if Varom’s tone could be believed. Balak had been willing to sacrifice his people to see Shepard pay for her crimes against them. Varom was clearly more level-headed. Coats wondered briefly if it was Varom who had stayed Balak’s hand when the latter had threatened to fire on the Normandy above Khar’shan. He wouldn’t be surprised to find out that was the case.

Coats studied the face of the batarian next to him. Varom’s four eyes had turned back to watch Shepard as she continued to help Chakwas. What intrigued Coats almost as much as the batarian’s words was the expression that now graced Varom’s face; it was no longer neutral as it had been when the batarian appeared at his side. Coats wasn’t sure what the expression was, but if a batarian face could be read, Coats would say it looked...soft, or at least softer than it did before.

“It’s clear that your people are very hard workers,” Coats said, unsure how exactly to respond but feeling that he needed to say something. “I was on Earth when the Reapers attacked and stayed to defend my people, like you. I know just what the Reapers do to a planet, and I have seen how your people survived. I have deep respect for you and your people for weathering the onslaught without any assistance from the Council.”

“We are a resilient people,” Varom puffed. “We do not give up. We _cannot_ give up. We work hard and will do all we can to survive. The structures of our old life may be destroyed, but my people’s spirit will push us forward into a new generation. One that I hope will result in growth that our race has not seen in hundreds of years.”

“I can respect that,” Coats said. Varom was silent after that. Both men returned their attention to Shepard, who looked as if she needed a break from the hot sun, her right arm raising more often to wipe the sweat from her brow between patients.

“I should return to my post,” Varom said quickly, breaking the awkward moment. “Good afternoon to you, Spectre.”

Coats blinked in surprise. He was still not used to that title. Most people he interacted with still called him Major because most of them were Alliance. It shouldn’t be strange for Varom to call him Spectre, but for some reason, the batarian’s tone startled him yet again.

_I wish I could read this man better_ , Coats said as he nodded in Varom’s direction. _There’s so much more he’s saying that I just can’t understand._

Just before the batarian left the shade of the Normandy’s cargo hold door, he turned back around and faced Coats with furrowed brows.

“I would like to offer something to you and your Commander,” Varom said strongly, as if he were forcing out each word as he tilted his head slightly to the left. “If you truly admire my people for our resilience, I would like to show you just how resilient we are. I offer a tour of our nearby cities, both the destroyed and rebuilt structures, so you can see just what we endured. It would be at your convenience and on your schedule, of course. I can spare the time whenever your Commander would see fit. My crews can do their work without me.”

It was an unconventional olive branch to be sure, but something about this man intrigued Coats. Something about him was also unnerving, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was. He decided that he could at least present the idea to Sarah. She could make the ultimate decision. Perhaps she would be completely uncomfortable with the offer and would reject it. That would be her prerogative, but he thought the whole conversation interesting enough that he should share it with her.

Finally, he nodded at Varom and said, “I will share you offer with Commander Shepard. I’m sure she will respond as soon as she has a moment.”

Varom said nothing more, nodding in reply and resuming his course back toward his own post to check on his delegates. Coats watched him leave and wondered what had really just happened between them. As he replayed the conversation in his head, he felt a warm hand on his arm. He looked down in surprise to see Sarah gripping it lightly.

“Hello, _Commander_ ,” he said with a smile.

“Hello yourself,” she replied. “I could use a break, but you were staring so intently at Varom’s back that I had to grab you to get your attention.”

She brushed a stray hair out of her face as she chuckled and bent down to pick up a bottle of water, downing as much as she could in three gulps before turning back to him.

“Want to come inside for some lunch?” she asked, a familiar smirk flashing in her eyes. Coats felt his heart leap as it did everytime Sarah Shepard hinted that she wanted time alone with him. He didn’t think that feeling would ever stop. After all, how many years had he spent telling himself that it was actually possible to be assigned to Shepard’s team? More than he wanted to admit, but here he was - not only serving on her ship, but standing by her side in every way he could.

“Shall we enjoy our luncheon in your cabin or mine?” he said with a teasing grin.

“I think mine would be more appropriate. Less traffic outside the door this time of day than your cabin.”

“Fine with me.”

They both turned in unison to enter the ship, but before she took a step forward, Shepard looked past Coats’ shoulder toward Varom’s post several dozen yards away.

“What were you two talking about over here anyway?” she asked. Coats followed her gaze to find Varom watching the two of them. Strangely enough, the batarian waved his arm in the traditional human greeting. Coats saw Shepard return the gesture out of the corner of his eye before turning back to her.

After she dropped her arm, Sarah’s eyes snapped back to Coats. She smiled at him as she led the way back into the Normandy’s cargo hold. Coats glanced at Varom momentarily before heading into the ship. The batarian was still watching them as they passed the threshold. Coats tucked the image away in the back of his mind for further study.

“Earth to Coats,” Shepard startled him as they walked together toward the elevator. “Are you gonna tell me what your twenty minute posting-up session involved?”

“You know,” he said, finally answering Sarah’s question as he matched her pace, “I’m not really sure, but I’ll tell you all about it after _lunch_.”

 


	3. End of the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [End of the World](http://youtu.be/MltT14li35I)  
>  Armor for Sleep
> 
>  
> 
> Dear readers,
> 
> I apologize that this update is a few days late. My real life has become increasingly busy and demands on my time pushed back the release of this chapter. My posting may be slightly sporadic over the next month. I promise I will update as often as I can, but I may not be right on schedule.
> 
> Thank you for reading and for your patience! And thank you for all the comments and kudos. It always makes my day to find them waiting for me when I log on.
> 
> One more thing before I sign off - I'm posting a slight trigger warning for violence and gore during certain parts of this chapter. Also a possible tissue warning might be in effect.
> 
> Cheers!  
> KabiViolet

_London, England, Earth - April 4, 2186 CE_

_It started as a crackling in his ear. At first, Coats paid no attention to the sound, assuming it was a figment of his sleep- and nutrition-deprived body as he reached for the last stim in his pack, wincing as he stabbed the needle into his leg but relaxing back against the wall behind him as the cool fluid enlivened his muscles and mind. This was all he had left - all he could do was shoot at them, one by one. There was nothing left to live for, but until he died, he would take out as many of these monstrosities as he could._

_Shepard had tried to warn them. He had heard rumors of some impending attack, but no one in his circle of Alliance expendables knew the details. He knew about Shepard and the Collectors. That story had made headlines, but clearly, the Alliance brass had kept the remainder of information to themselves. These abominations that had appeared in the sky over Earth’s cities were much more than Collectors attacking human colonies. This was an invading army of doom on their home planet. On_ his _home planet. On_ his _beloved city._

_His return to base three days prior seemed like a distant memory now. He had been in limbo - somewhere between leave and going back to duty. Maggie was home from university and he had planned to go back for dinner at his parents’ house that evening before both of them returned to their other lives - Maggie to school and Coats to duty - but he had decided to tidy up a few things on base before dinner, giving him more time to be at home that night rather than having to come back to base early before shipping out._

_That was perhaps the worst decision of his life._

If I had just stayed home _, he thought, grimacing in pain as his tired muscles acclimated more and more to the adrenaline pumping through his veins._ She might be alive...All three of them might still be alive.

_Coats shook his head, trying to clear his mind of unproductive thoughts, and spun around on his knees to look out at the destruction below, but nothing helped. His mind always returned to the events just before this horrifying attack whenever he rested, even just for a moment._

_He had tried to reach them - his family. When the first alarms went off, Coats had thought it was some cruel April Fools’ joke. April 1 would be the day the Reapers - he learned they were called - would choose to attack Earth. He was slow to react, looking for Billings to find out who the prankster was, but as Coats emerged from his barracks and saw the sky flooded with giant bug-like ships, he knew this was no joke. This was the real thing and none of them were prepared._

_His first thought was of Maggie. He had strapped on what weapons and armor he could find in his locker. He didn’t care if there were orders on base. None of those orders mattered if his sister and parents were dead. His family was so exposed in their small, London home. He had to reach them. He had to protect them._

_Running as fast as his legs could carry him, Coats had hopped into the nearest military skycar and stolen it without a second thought. He took one moment to glance around him at the other soldiers on base. In that moment, he knew he would never be court martialed for what he was doing. Everyone else was panicking or simply staring at the sky. There were no orders, no plans. The base was in chaos. No one knew what to do with this emergency but watch._

_Coats wouldn’t stand by and watch. He had sped home as quickly as the skycar would take him, the familiar drive seeming to take forever as he passed familiar countryside on his way back into the city. But he was too late. Strange, malformed creatures were already running rampant all over the streets when he reached the outskirts. He had ditched the skycar and tried to sneak as far as he could without being noticed._

_He had wanted so badly to call his family as he ran, to see if they were still alive, but his best chance of reaching them was to be as silent and unnoticed as possible. The streets were deserted other than whatever poor souls had not had a safe place to go or a skycar to get them out of the city. And Coats knew his family was in the latter group - no safe place, no personal skycar to get them to a port for evacuation._

_And that was when he had found himself stuck. He had reached Big Ben and knew that he would get no further at that moment. For the first time in his life, he cursed his family for wanting to live in the middle of London, near all the historic landmarks. He had always loved their family home, surrounded by a rich heritage, but now he wished there was anywhere else they had lived. The disgusting creatures were_ everywhere _. His only safe route was to find a place to hide until he could clear a path to his family._

_He had climbed to the top of the tower, securing the entrance behind him as well as he could, and shot at anything that moved. Coats tried to snipe creatures headed down the streets to his family’s residence, but it was no use. When he killed one, three more creatures appeared to replace it. Frantically, he had called his father._

_“Dad,” he had said. “Dad, are you there?”_

“Phillip?” _his father replied, his voice barely above a whisper, and Coats briefly noticed that there had never been a time in his life until that moment that he had heard fear in his father’s voice._ “Phillip, is that you? Are you all right?”

_“Yes, Dad. I’m trying to make my way to you, but the streets are crawling with these - these things!”_

“I know, Son. You need to go and help the other soldiers. Find some way to drive the attack back. There’s nothing you can do for us here.”

_“Yes, there is, Dad. If I can make it home, I can help you get to a shuttle and evacuate. I can -”_

“Son, please. Don’t sacrifice yourself just for us. There are so many people out there who need help. You are a soldier. You can’t afford to be selfish in a time like this.”

_“Nothing else matters, Dad!”_

“Son, don’t fight me on this and don’t look back. I love you. Know that. Your mother wants to say something.”

_Coats had wiped a tear from his cheek as he raised up and shot another creature chasing after a civilian on the street below. He had fallen back down and leaned against the wall as he listened to his mother’s voice._

“Phillip. We are so proud of you,” _his mother said._ “But the worst thing you could do is get yourself killed coming after us. You cannot clear a path here by yourself. This area of the city is filled with these monsters. Please, for my sake, don’t kill yourself saving us. There is so much more you are meant to do.”

_“You’re both insane. I can reach you. Just hold on, Mom, I -”_

“No, Phillip.” _Coats almost laughed at the familiar tone of his mother’s scolding voice. “_ Do your duty as a soldier and protect our planet, not just your family. I love you. At least we got a chance to talk. That’s more than most of the people in our neighborhood got to do. Oh God, Phillip, we watched as the Harrelsons house was -”

_Suddenly, a voice had interrupted on the call. He could hear Maggie saying something to his mother as she came on the line._

“Phil?”

_“I’m here, Mags,” Coats had said somberly as he tried not to picture what had happened to the Harrelsons._

“Godfuckingdammit, Phil. Don’t you come back here. That would be a waste of your life!”

_Anger was not something he had expected from his little sister._

_“Maggie, I -”_

“There’s nothing more to say about it. You have a duty. None of us want to see your face back here when you could be helping others. This street is a wreck and you coming here would just be suicide. There’s no point. Go and do your job. That is how you can best remember us.”

 _“I don’t want to_ remember _you!” Coats cried, tears streaming down his face. “I want to_ see _you! I want to_ be _with you! What’s the point of living without my family? You are all I’ve got!”_

_The line had been quiet for several moments. Finally, Maggie’s voice came back, softer than before._

“You will just have to make a new family, Phil. I love you so much. I have always looked up to you, because you have always been so willing to help others. Don’t decide to prove me wrong now.”

_Coats struggled to find words to reply, but at that moment, he had heard his mother’s scream in the background along with his father’s shout and the line went silent. He had tried so many times to call them again, but he knew it was too late._

_So here he had stayed - at the top of Big Ben, pointlessly shooting at the nameless horrors below, biding his time until they found him and killed him, too. Waiting until he could join his family in death._

_It was just after he injected himself with his last stim, that everything changed, and the crackling in his ear became more than an annoyance._

“Goddammit, Coats! I know you’re out there!”

_Coats crouched down and adjusted his earpiece in surprise. Was that who he thought it was? Was it possible there were others alive out there?_

_“This is our private channel and it’s live. I know you’re there! Fuckin’ answer me!”_

_“Billings?” Coats asked in disbelief. He hadn’t even thought about the fact that this channel was open. Out of habit, he had turned it on when he left the base, but he had not expected to hear the welcome sounds of his friends’ voice._

“Fuckin’ hell! What took you so long?” _Billings’ American accent floated wonderfully into his ear._ “I’ve been trying to contact you for days. The limited range on this channel is complete bullshit.”

_“I’m holed up in Big Ben,” Coats said. “Been stuck here for days. Can’t find a way out. There’s just too many of them.” He wasn’t about to tell his friend that he had given up on finding a way out as soon as he heard his mother’s scream._

“Hold on,” _Billings said._ “Some of us managed to find each other after the initial attack. We’re on our way to you. We can get ya out of there and back to base camp. Just hold on.”

_The line was silent for several minutes before Billings shouted in his ear again._

“Coats! Keep talkin’ to me, man. I want to make sure you’re alive.”

_He could hear gunfire through the other man’s connection, but he could also hear other human voices. There were other soldiers alive. And they were coming for him._

_It was then that Coats’ stomach sank._

_“No!” he shouted back. “Don’t come here, you idiot!”_

“Why the hell not, ya dumbass?!”

_“Don’t risk your life coming to save me.”_

“Maybe you didn’t hear me,” _Billings replied._ “I’m not alone. We have plenty of supplies and we have a camp. We’ve been extractin’ people for days. I’m not going back without you, so shut the hell up and be grateful for once.”

_“My family’s dead,” Coats said, letting his head fall back against the wall behind him as he closed his eyes. “My parents, Maggie - I have nothing left to live for. This planet is lost. There are more than enough of those creatures to overrun our planet in a few days’ time. We have no hope of -”_

“I said shut the hell up!” _Billings shouted as a new wave of gunfire crackled in Coats’ ear._ “There is hope and I ain’t gonna let you talk like that! I’m sorry about Maggie. I’m sorry about your family. Mine’s gone too, but not everyone is dead and we’re _fightin’_! You remember your girlfriend? Commander Shepard?”

_Coats nodded but said nothing out loud. Billings continued even though Coats didn’t reply verbally._

“Word on the comms is that she’s off to the Citadel. She’s alive, out of prison, and she’s on her way to get help for Earth. I know how much you respect her, and dammit, I respect her, too, even though I know I’m a sexist asshole sometimes. But she’s goddamn amazin’. If anyone in this galaxy can save our planet, it’s her. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and fight with us, ya bloody pansy!”

_Coats couldn’t help but chuckle._

_“Did you just say ‘bloody’?”_

“Well, I guess I fuckin’ did,” _Billings answered._ “I’ve spent too much fuckin’ time with ya, I guess. Now just keep talkin’ to me, buddy. We’re only a couple of blocks away.”

_So Coats did keep talking. Somehow, Billings knew exactly what to say to give him a reason to live. Commander Sarah Shepard with her fiery hair and bright green eyes was on her way to save them all right now. If she hadn’t given up, he wouldn’t give up either._

_When Billings finally made it to the tower, Coats dragged himself down to free the barriers he had set up on the doors. The American quickly threw him some extra ammo and they headed off, sticking to the shadows as much as possible to avoid confrontation._

_But Coats’ worst fear became reality just as they rounded the corner near the base camp._

_“We’re set up behind that barricade,” Billings said, pointing to a makeshift wall of trucks and scraps of cement. “It’s not much, but it’s kept us safe for the past few days. We’re workin’ on settin’ up something underground. Safer there. The Reapers’ minions don’t like to funnel themselves into sewer tunnels.”_

_“Smart plan,” Coats said._

_“Unfortunately, all we can do at this point is make a run for it.” Billings turned to flash his bright teeth. “You ready?”_

_“You’re damn right I am.”_

_“Alright, team,” Billings said, turning to the group of soldiers who had accompanied him. “Run as fast as you can. Don’t look back, and I’ll see you on the other side!”_

_Billings upbeat order briefly reminded Coats of the conversation he had with his father just three days before._

_“Don’t look back,” Coats’ father had said._

I’ll try, Dad, _he thought as he grit his teeth and ran as fast as he could._ For you and Mom and Maggie and Billings...and Shepard.

_Billings was the fastest of all of them. His bulky frame was surprisingly swift as they dodged gunfire and bombs thrown their way. When they were only 50 yards from the wall, Coats’ world fell into slow motion as he watched a nearby turian-looking monster step out from behind a pile of rubble to throw a grenade in their direction._

_“Billings, look out!”_

_But it was too late. The grenade hit just close enough to his friend that he collapsed. The other soldiers followed Billings’ order and kept running without looking back, but there was no way Coats was leaving his friend to die like that._

_“Fuck, that smarts, Coats,” Billings said as he looked up at his friend from the ground. Coats tried not to look too closely, but along with other injuries, the man’s arm was severed just below the shoulder._

_“Come on, you fucking clod. You’re giving up that easy?” He reached down and tried to pull Billings good arm up around his shoulder._

_“Coats, stop! You’re wastin’ time. Look, they’re comin’ now. I risked my life to get to you. Don’t waste your chance to survive. You’re a better soldier than I’ll ever be. You deserve some recognition. Go and do something good for once! Leave me!”_

_“No fucking way,” Coats grimaced as he forced Billings up over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Tom’s agonizing screams nearly deafened him in one ear as his friend’s severed arm fully detached, but Coats was getting him behind that wall. No matter what._

_He ran. The pain from the loss of his family, the adrenaline from the stims, the adrenaline from the fear in his heart as the creatures crawled out from behind cover nearby to chase after them - all of it combined to propel him faster than he thought he could ever run with a 200 pound marine on his back._

_Luckily, the rest of the group had made it past the wall, and as soon as he was safe, they helped him lower Billings onto the ground._

_“You lucky bastard,” Billings said as he coughed and sputtered blood onto his chest. “Not even a scratch on your pretty face.”_

_“Thanks to you,” Coats said as he knelt by his friend. A tear found its way down his face as he watched Billings struggle in pain. He didn’t care if the other soldiers saw him cry. He had already lost his family. Now he was losing the only other person in the world that he cared about almost as much as his family._

_“We’ve been through too much together, buddy.” Billings tried to smile, but his smile turned into a gruesome grimace as pain wracked his body again. Coats saw a medic running toward them out of the corner of his eye, but he knew it was too late. And Billings knew it, too._

_“I saved your fuckin’ ass,” Billings said. “Now do somethin’ with it. Brother.”_

_And with that, the only person outside of his family that Coats loved died._

_He sat by his friend’s body for several minutes. He had no concept of time. But eventually, the medic that had failed to reach them in time touched him on the shoulder._

_“We should take care of his body,” she said. “And from the looks of it, you need some food and rest.”_

_Coats stood up slowly. He watched as a team of soldiers came with a stretcher to claim the body and move it somewhere else._

I will live, Billings _, he promised._ I will make your sacrifice worth something.

_“Which way to the mess hall?” he asked sarcastically, trying to shrug off the concerned look of the medic._

_“I can take you there. Your name is Coats, right?”_

_He looked carefully at the woman who was addressing him. Her eyes were searching his face for an answer beyond the one he would give her, but he didn’t know what she was looking for._

_“That’s the name. Major Coats, at your service.”_

_“Admiral Anderson is here,” she replied as she motioned for him to follow her. “He arrived yesterday. It appears the Reapers are focusing much of their attacks here in London.”_

_“Why?” Coats asked._

_“We don’t know why,” the medic shook her head, “but the Admiral is focusing our resistance here to counter the Reapers’ attack. Billings was tasked with finding those able to help with the fight. He specifically said you were the best soldier he knew and Anderson told Billings to find you at all costs.”_

_“Me?”_

_“Do you only speak in one-word sentences?” the medic smiled at him._

Seriously, my best friend in the whole galaxy just died, and you’re either making a joke or flirting with me?

_But he decided to maintain his composure._

_“Just tell me where to find him.”_

_“He’s through those doors on the left.” She pointed to a building nearby. “But I’m the lead doctor in this camp, so when he’s done talking to you, I’m ordering you to eat and get some rest. You’ll find our makeshift barracks in the building just beyond that one. Food is there, too.”_

_“Thanks,” Coats nodded as he walked toward the building that apparently held the famed Admiral Anderson._

_Admiral Anderson. He had only heard stories about the man - the man who was a friend of Commander Shepard. Coats had never seen him in person. But somehow, Billings had turned Coats into an important person in the Admiral’s eyes._

I won’t let you down, Tom. I promise, _he resolved._ And if Shepard’s out there, who knows? Maybe we have a chance...

_When the doors slid open in front of him, Phillip Coats stepped through and shrugged his old life from his shoulders without another look back._

 

_**************************************************************************************_

 

Kha’stan, Khar’shan - 2188 CE

 

“Come on in.”

Coats was surprised to have a visitor in his cabin. Even though he was a Spectre like Shepard and Williams, this was Shepard’s ship and most matters of business went straight to her. If she needed help, she would ask him for it, but rarely did anyone ask to see him directly.

His surprise grew when he looked up from his desk to see who it was that had entered.

“Joker,” he said in surprise as the pilot hobbled in. “Let me find you a seat.”

“That’s not really necessary,” Joker waved his hand. “I don’t plan on being here long.”

“I see,” Coats replied with a furrowed brow. “Well, please have a seat all the same.” He gestured to the chair near his desk as the other man sat down.

“Fine. I won’t argue with you.”

And then silence descended upon the room. Coats had no idea why Joker had come to see him. Their last meeting had been...less than pleasant. In fact, Coats usually winced whenever he thought about it. It had been just a little over a week since the scene at the restaurant, but Coats had not forgotten the harsh verbal beating the Normandy’s pilot had given him after Shepard had rushed out of the room. He hadn’t had a chance to respond since then, and per Shepard’s request, he had not said anything of the true feelings he and Shepard had shared just a few days before. He truly hoped in this moment that Shepard had seen fit to fill the pilot in on the restoration of their relationship.

“I should probably tell you why I asked to see you,” Joker finally said. “Shepard told me about - you know. That you two are together now and that we should all be...nice.”

Coats studied the man’s face. He couldn’t tell what kind of conversation this was yet. Was Joker here to yell at him some more? Was he here to threaten Coats if he ever hurt Shepard again? What was his purpose?

“I came here, because,” Joker finally looked up with a clearly uncomfortable expression on his face, “I wanted to apologize. Shepard explained about the woman in the restaurant. I jumped to conclusions in her defense. It’s just that...I lost so much in the war. Shepard is important to me - more than important really. I don’t have words to describe what she is to those of us who have served with her since the first Normandy.”

“I completely understand,” Coats responded quickly with relief in his voice. “I never meant to hurt her. I should have been more clear about my intentions - to everyone, I guess. I just wasn’t sure what she wanted.”

“I was furious when I thought you had hurt her. I’m sorry for what I said. I was kind of a bastard.”

“It’s all right,” Coats said. “I’m glad that Shepard has so many people who care about her. I care about her, too, but all of you have a great amount of history with her and I get that. We all lost people in the war. I understand being defensive and protective of the ones we have left.”

His eyes briefly shifted to the picture of Maggie on his desk. In that one moment, the horrible memories of the first few days of the Reaper attack on Earth came flooding back to him. Joker must have noticed, because he spoke soon after that.

“Who was she?” he asked. Coats noticed that he was looking at the picture of Maggie, too.

“She was my sister. She and both my parents died the day the Reapers attacked Earth because I failed. I couldn’t get to them in time.”

“That’s awful,” Joker said, his mouth turned down in frown. “But you have to know it wasn’t your fault.”

“It’s taken me some time, but I think I got to that point eventually.” He smiled reassuringly at Joker. “Lost my best friend in those first few days as well. Tom Billings. We’d been friends since our first day in Basic. He died saving my life.”

“Shit. All I lost was my girlfriend.”

“That’s a lot to lose,” Coats responded quickly. “Love takes many forms. And when the person we love dies, no matter what kind of love it is, it hurts deeply for all of us.”

“Yeah,” Joker said, still staring at the picture of Maggie. Coats couldn’t read the look on the other man’s face except that he seemed sad. “I guess that’s true. It seems like it’s worse when the person who dies is just learning how to live, ya know? Like your sister here - she looks so young and full of life. And my girlfriend, well, she was just learning what it meant to be human when…”

The pilot trailed off, leaving Coats to wonder what he meant by that statement. He made a mental note to ask Shepard later that evening.

“Well, anyway. I’m glad we hashed this all out,” Joker slapped his knees as he pushed himself up with a grin. “And just so you know, if you ever hurt Shepard again, I _will_ kill you. Or at least shoot you in the kneecaps. And I also expect you to consult with me before planning any bachelor parties. I wholeheartedly volunteer to give you one when you, ya know, pop the question to the Commander.”

Coats’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. Bachelor party? Propose to Shepard? Their relationship was so new, he hadn’t even thought of that yet. Not only had Joker brought him an apology and the mystery of the pilot’s lost girlfriend to ponder over, now Coats had a very different dilemma.

Marriage to Commander Shepard. Would she even want to marry him? Should he even consider it? After all, their relationship was already going to cause problems in the Alliance. There were still those damned fraternization rules. How were they going to handle that? Besides, they had only admitted feelings for each other a few days ago. Was it too soon? They _were_ having a baby together. Maybe they should make it a complete family…

Joker’s laugh shook Coats from his confused and rambling thoughts.

“Looks like I gave you something to think about,” he said. “Good. You should be thinking - about all the races of strippers you want to have at the party. I’ll upload some of my favorite issues of Fornax for you to get some ideas.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Coats replied.

“Suit yourself,” Joker huffed as he walked out the door. “My offer stands if you change your mind.”

But Coats found he couldn’t move for a while. He stared at his sister’s picture and pondered the conversation, especially the idea of Commander Shepard becoming his wife. After what felt like hours, the ping on his omni-tool that summoned him to the Captain’s quarters for the evening was a very welcome distraction.


	4. Survive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Survive](http://youtu.be/7EsU4SETCz4)  
>  Rise Against
> 
>  
> 
> Faithful readers,
> 
> I am back! I'm sorry that my real life took over, causing such a long delay between updates. But life is calming down and I hope to be able to post more regularly. 
> 
> Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy the update!
> 
> -KabiViolet

_London, England, Earth - August 2, 2186 CE_

 

_“These numbers look good. Better than I would have expected.”_

_Coats suppressed a proud smile at Anderson’s remark and watched as the admiral scrolled through the newest report regarding the number of people posted at each safe zone in the city. The first project Anderson assigned to him after they met had been to take Billings’ place - find as many survivors as possible in London and put guns in their hands. All able-bodied men and women were asked to serve in some way, whether it was salvaging food or shooting at anything that moved. Every person had a part to play if any of them were going to survive._

_And survive they had. For four months, the Reapers had rained blood and horror on Earth. And for four months, Anderson and Coats had led the resistance as well as they could, moving the safe zones quickly and often and using what resources they had for small strike attacks and defense. Guerilla warfare and distraction were the names of the game, but it had kept them alive._

_For four months._

_He had countless other duties now, but tallying survivors at the end of the day was something Coats did for his own sanity. Focusing on the number of survivors was the only way he could get through each day, and he was more than pleased at Anderson’s reaction to the latest update._

_Both of them jumped as the distinctive ping of the Quantum Entanglement Communicator, or QEC, in the command room chimed rhythmically._

_“Well, that’s unexpected,” Anderson said, putting down the datapad and looking at Coats before turning back to the QEC. With the press of a button, an image of Admiral Hackett appeared before the two men._

_“Admiral Hackett,” Anderson said. “I hadn’t planned on checking in until tomorrow. I have Major Phillip Coats with me. Is everything alright?”_

“Anderson. Coats. Good to see you both,” _Hackett said._ “Coats, I understand that you have been a great asset to Admiral Anderson in the resistance.”

_“I do what I can, sir,” Coats responded with a small nod._

_“Don’t know what I would do without him,” Anderson smiled. “He’s one of the best soldiers I’ve ever worked with. Too bad we didn’t meet sooner. Might have given Shepard a run for her money.”_

_Coats was glad that Anderson wasn’t looking at him and that Hackett couldn’t see the color rising in his cheeks over the QEC._

“Good to hear,” _Hackett replied._ “I hate the thought of you being down there, but if anyone can survive on Earth, it’s you.”

_“We’ve been friends a long time, Steven,” Anderson said. “I know you didn’t call just to exchange pleasantries. What’s going on?”_

“Right. There’s nothing you can do about it, but I have some news I felt you should know,” _Anderson began._ “It’s about Shepard.”

_“Is she ok? Has she been injured?” Anderson asked quickly. Coats felt his own chest tighten at the mention of Shepard’s name._

“She’s not injured. Not physically, anyway,” _Hackett continued._ “I know how much she means to you and I thought you should know that she’s had a major setback. I don’t know what things are like down there, but if you could spare a few moments to contact her, I think it would do her some good. When I finished talking to her, she seemed...less than upbeat.”

_“What happened?” Anderson’s voice was quieter now._

“We got wind of a Prothean artifact on Thessia. Something that might help us with the Crucible,” _Hackett paused and took a step back before continuing._ “Shepard and a team went to Thessia to see if they could retrieve it or learn how it could help us. The mission went south...and we lost Thessia.”

_The room was silent for several moments before Anderson spoke again._

_“She’s taking it hard?”_

“Harder than I’ve seen her take defeat before,” _Hackett replied._ “You know her. She doesn’t like to lose, and this is a big loss. She’s...tired, I think.”

_Hackett’s last sentence said more than anything else. Coats’ heart sank as he thought of Shepard - that fiery red hair, those blazing green eyes, the energy that usually exuded from them and contaminated everyone who looked at her with its vibrancy. He couldn’t even imagine her without that fighting spirit. But when Hackett said that the Commander looked “tired,” both he and Anderson knew what that meant. The fight was going out of her. She was losing her drive. She was losing hope and visibly so._

_“I’ll give her a call,” Anderson said. “Or at least I’ll try to. When did you last speak to her?”_

“I just finished talking to her before I called you,” _Hackett said, shaking his head in thanks._ “I think you would catch her if you tried now.”

_“Will do, and Hackett?”_

“Yes?”

_“We have to keep her fighting.”_

“I know, old friend. That’s why I called you. Hackett out.”

_And the image faded to nothing._

_“I’ll step outside,” Coats said softly as Anderson stood still, staring at the QEC controls in front of him._

_“Thank you,” the Admiral said as Coats nodded and stepped just beyond the threshold of the command room, but then something stopped him. Normally, he completed vacated the area and occupied himself with some other task while Anderson talked to Shepard. He didn’t feel it was appropriate to eavesdrop. He would sometimes walk by on purpose to catch a glimpse of her holographic figure, but he never stayed to listen to the conversation._

_This time, however, something halted his tracks. This time, he decided to stay._

_He wasn’t quite sure what made him do it, but he wanted to see her. He wanted to hear her. He wanted to tell her that she wasn’t alone in this fight - that everyone on Earth was counting on her as they fought for their lives._

_But Coats also knew that was the wrong thing to do. She already had the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. That was why Hackett had called, wasn’t it? To try and get her some support from a man she admired more than anyone - someone who could boost her confidence and cheer her up. Coats could tell from the few conversations he had with Anderson about Shepard that there was something special between the two of them. A father-daughter relationship, perhaps. He wasn’t sure that was exactly the right way to describe it, but it was close enough. Hackett knew it, too. And that was the reason Anderson finally programmed the controls, and from his perch just beyond the threshold of the QEC room, Coats could see Shepard as her form lit up the small space in pale blue light._

_She looked thinner than he remembered, her eyes more hollow, her cheeks more gaunt. She was still stunningly beautiful, stray hairs lining her face as she greeted the Admiral, but her shoulders sagged a little more than before and her head hung slightly between her shoulders until Anderson spoke._

_“Shepard, I heard about Thessia.”_

“We were so close, Anderson. So damned close to ending this war,” _Shepard replied. Coats could hear the frustration and bitter anger beneath her voice, which was why he was surprised to hear Anderson’s next words._

_“You didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?” the Admiral said, a slightly teasing tone. A smile almost graced Coats’ lips at the Commander’s light chuckle. Yes, Anderson had been the right person to call. But as quickly as her face had lifted, it fell again._

“I knew going in there wouldn’t be a minute of this war that was easy,” _she said, and then she turned her back on Anderson. Her voice was quiet when she spoke again._ “But watching Thessia fall...and knowing it was my responsibility.”

_He knew how she felt, in a way. Not a day had passed since the Reapers attacked that he hadn’t thought about the painful deaths of his family and his best friend. He still felt responsible, but for their sakes, he had to carry on. Coats knew that his suffering was small compared to Shepard’s. She didn’t just have the lives of her family and friends on her hands - her entire home planet was counting on her. Hell, the whole_ galaxy _was depending on this one woman to save them all._

_Because they knew she could._

_On second thought, Coats realized that he had absolutely no idea how Shepard felt. He listened as Anderson spoke of the First Contact War and the efforts of the resistance - how those left behind on Earth, like himself, knew this was a losing proposition, but they were fighting anyway. He watched as Shepard turned back around. Her countenance had changed. It was a small change, but he could tell that Anderson was helping, giving the Commander the strength she needed to go back to the fight._

“You’ll make it, Anderson,” _she said, a slight smile playing across her face._ “And when this is all over, you can show me London.”

_Coats’ heart skipped a beat._

Let me show you London, _he thought._ If we survive this, I can show you how we lived. How we fought. How we survived. And you will return the victor. Don’t give up now, Shepard. I’m not giving up…

_“Shake this off, Shepard,” Anderson said._

“I will,” _Shepard replied with a nod._

_“Anderson out.”_

_The conversation over, Anderson turned around to find Coats leaning against the doorjamb of the makeshift command room._

_“You were listening, huh?” he said._

_“I’m sorry, sir,” Coats replied, straightening his posture._

_“It’s fine. No need to apologize. The speech was for you, too. We could all use a pick-me-up and a reminder of why we’re fighting. Myself included.”_

_Coats nodded and fell into step next to the Admiral, who was Coats’ hero as much as he was Shepard’s._

_“She would like you,” Anderson said suddenly as they reached the elevator that would take them back to the surface of the city and the fight._

_“Sir?” Coats asked, caught off guard._

_“It’s too bad the two of you never got a chance to meet,” Anderson said with a half smile. “She would like you.”_

_Coats didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing at all. But each day, when his shift was finished and he tried to rest and live another day, he played that conversation over and over again in his mind until he fell asleep. The thought of one day meeting Shepard, if this war ever ended, kept him going. And he hoped she had found the strength she needed to keep fighting, too._

_There was so much that both of them still had to do._

 

 

_****************************************************************************************************_

 

Khar’shan - 2188 CE

 

“How did you survive all this?”

Something about that question made Coats bristle. He had expected that Shepard would ask it of the batarian at some point on their tour, but for some reason, it still annoyed him.

“With determination,” Varom responded with a tilt of his head to the left, his chest puffing with pride as he directed the skycar down the deserted streets of the formerly grand city.

“This was your capital city?” Shepard asked.

“Yes.”

“What is it called?”

“This city is gone, Commander,” Varom said as he slowed the skycar to a stop in front of a building that had remained partially standing. “It is a batarian custom that a defeated place loses its name when it is lost in the physical realm. All records of it are blotted out in word and memory.”

“I see,” Shepard said as she jumped out of the skycar after Varom, who was now leading them into the building. She rolled her eyes at Coats, who smiled as he understood her annoyance with the primitive and sentimental custom of the batarians.

Coats quickly surveyed the abandoned street and building. He noticed a pack of sleeping varren a few hundred yards away in the late afternoon heat, but other than that, the area was completely clear. The building itself appeared to be very old, or at least it didn’t match its neighboring remains. While most of the buildings on the street were made from modern materials, this building was made of softer stone that swallowed the light from Khar’shan’s hot sun rather than reflecting it painfully into the eyes of the three intruders.

“What is this place?” Coats asked as they entered the dusty confines of the building.

“This building was where we made our last stand in this city,” Varom replied. “This is also where we made our first resolve to continue fighting.”

The batarian pursed his lips and turned away. It was clear he wanted to answer no more questions as he led them deeper and deeper into the derelict structure. The party turned on their omni-tool lights as the light from outside faded. Coats walked in time with Shepard at his side, both of them watching Varom’s back as he finally stopped at the back of a large hall - the kind of hall that was probably very grand before the Reapers came. Soft light flowed in from windows near the ceiling, but the room was still quite dark. An open, arched hallway surrounded the main room, the arches alternating in shades of golden and silver stone. But at the back of the hall, one arch was made of something different altogether. This arch looked more like the surrounding buildings, its material of a more modern metal that rang like a warning bell into the empty hall as the party stepped on top of it.

“Doost.”

Varom’s voice echoed off the empty walls as he uttered the foreign word. Already caught off guard, Coats reached for Shepard’s arm as the floor shook beneath them. She quickly glanced at him with the same look of surprise as Varom turned around to face them. The panel of metal flooring began to descend below the ground. Beneath Varom’s stern gaze, Coats suddenly felt self-conscious of Shepard’s hand gripping his own. She must have felt the same as both of them released each other at the same time, but he couldn’t help noticing Shepard had assumed her “Commander stare” - the one she gave to those trying to intimidate her. He also didn’t miss how Varom’s head tilted slightly to the left at her, just as it had in the skycar.

“What was that word you said?” Shepard asked, her voice clear and strong.

“Doost,” Varom repeated. “It means ‘friend.’ The elevator, however, is locked with voice recognition software. You must know the byword and be recognized in the system to enter.”

The secret elevator seemed to descend for what seemed to be forever. Coats counted in his head to try and gauge how deep they had gone, but it was no use. He had no sense of how quickly the floor panel beneath their feet was moving. Finally, the floor panel stopped descending. The elevator opened to reveal a tight tunnel and Varom turned his back on them again.

“Come,” he said, motioning with his hand. Coats took one look at Shepard, who nodded at him and they stepped into the opening together. His heart thrilled as she brushed her fingers lightly against his own, briefly tugging on his index finger as if to remind him that although they did not want to reveal their relationship so openly to someone like Varom, that did not mean she was embarrassed to be with him, nor he with her. He took comfort in the small gesture and matched his step to hers.

“You asked how we survived, Shepard,” Varom said as the tunnel widened into a more spacious room, as evident by the way his voice was echoing in the darkness. The lights in the room must have been motion activated, because as they stepped deeper into the space, the room hummed and a warm glow shone all around them. What Coats saw had him almost gasping, but he controlled his reaction and took in the view.

A monstrous command center lay before him - terminals, screens, and datapads were everywhere. It was clearly abandoned now, but Coats could imagine this place buzzing with activity during the war.

“We went underground,” Varom said. “Our planet has been invaded more than once. We are definitely not a preferred race in this galaxy. We have had an intricate set of underground tunnels and command centers throughout the globe for centuries. Our enemies have to squeeze into tight channels to reach us. We funnel them underground and massacre them.”

Varom continued walking forward with Shepard and Coats in tow.

“We keep enormous supplies of food and drink down here so we can survive a long onslaught. It kept us alive during the Reaper attack, but we were straining on supplies when Commander Shepard finally ended the War. It is a good thing you fired the Crucible when you did, Commander, for I don’t know how much longer we could have held out. We still lost many good men and women, but we survived because of our ingenuity - because of our foresight. This room was one of many centers of the resistance, and it is only a small one.”

The man wanted to boast, but Coats would admit he had something to boast of. Their resistance on Earth was not nearly as organized as he could imagine this resistance had been. If he had had a set of underground tunnels like this, perhaps he could have saved his family, Billings, and so many others.

Coats shook his head to avoid thinking like that. It did no good to dwell on the past, but part of him cursed the batarians for hiding their ideas and technology from the rest of the galaxy when all corners of civilization would have benefitted from this type of set-up.

“I will let you have a look around,” Varom interrupted their silence, clearly pleased with the way Coats and Shepard were gazing at the abandoned equipment in the room. “I must admit that my motivation for coming here was two-fold - this was my command station during the War and I left a few things behind that I have come to claim. However, I did not want to come alone. The varren are starving. They dare not attack a group of people, but I would not have ventured here by myself. If you will excuse me for a brief moment.”

Coats watched as Varom exited through a doorway on the far side of the room. Alone with Shepard at last, he let his gaze follow her as she wandered from terminal to terminal, examining the organization of a race prepared to survive.

He couldn’t resist, he walked up behind her and placed both hands on her arms, gripping tightly as he leaned forward to place a kiss on the back of her head. He took in the sweet scent of her hair and grinned as she leaned back into him. Her reaction to his touch calmed something in him. It was in that moment that he finally realized why her question to Varom in the skycar had upset him.

“You know,” he teased as she turned around. “You never once have asked how _we_ survived on Earth. We did a pretty damn good job, too, I think.”

“I’m sure you did a fantastic job,” she said as she pecked him on the cheek. “I don’t even have to ask. You’re alive, aren’t you? Earth is saved. It’s especially impressive considering you didn’t have all of this to help you.” She motioned to the machinery nearby.

“Right. We had to rely on our _skills_ \- like shooting, running, bludgeoning banshees and marauders in the face with our rifles.”

“Oooo, such manly bad ass things you are capable of,” she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck, laughing softly. “I like it when you talk about being a bad ass. I’m pretty good at doing all of those things, too, you know, but somehow it sounds sexier when you say it. I think you should resume this conversation in the bedroom. You’re kind of turning me on…”

She nipped at his ear playfully, but Coats pushed her away. The feigned frustration on her face was almost enough for him to stop this game, but he found the strength to continue.

“You are entirely inappropriate, Commander,” he scolded. “We are in the middle of a batarian command center, deep underground, and all you can think about is how you want me in bed right now?”

“Yes,” she replied, cutting him off and capturing his mouth with hers.

“Don’t think you can get away with this so easily,” he quipped as he pulled away, a smile still on his lips. He took a step back, denying Shepard’s grasp as her hands dropped from his neck to her sides.

“I think I see what’s going on here.” Shepard’s hands found a comfortable place on her hips.  
“Major Coats is jealous that I’m impressed with the batarian war effort and thinks that means I’m not impressed with what he did at the same time on Earth. But he has no need to be jealous.”

“That’s good to hear,” Coats smirked as he gave in to his desires and backed Shepard up against a console, pressing his hips against hers.

“Well, I _am_ impressed with the batarians’ ability to survive. I’m also impressed - and very grateful - that you survived the war. However, I’m more impressed with what you have in your -”

A rustling from the far end of the room interrupted the conversation. Coats and Shepard jumped apart at that moment to see Varom had returned. His face blank, he had a bag slung over his shoulder as he made his way back to the pair of humans near the front console.

“I’m sorry to...interrupt,” he said, a mocking tone clearly hiding beneath the layers of his thick accent.

“Nothing to interrupt,” Shepard replied, perhaps a little too quickly. “Did you get everything you came for?”

“I believe I did,” the batarian said, again his head tilting to the left at Shepard. His black eyes flashed with something unreadable as he studied her. It was a look Coats would have missed if he wasn’t watching the batarian closely.

“Are you ready to return to your ship?”

“Yes, we are, but thank you for the tour. It was very...enlightening,” Coats answered quickly, but for the first time, Varom tilted his head to the right to look at him. The expression on the batarian’s face was very different from the one he had given Shepard. It was hard and sharp and full of something that made Coats’ hair stand on end. He made a mental note to check the databases to see if there was anything he could learn about batarian culture and conversation.

The elevator and skycar ride back to the Normandy was silent. Varom bid them a polite farewell when they reached their destination. The workday over, Coats and Shepard retreated to the loft for his favorite part of the day - the time where he had Sarah all to himself. But he found his mind wandering a bit this evening. As the lights dimmed and Sarah began to snore slightly in the crook of his arm after dinner and lovemaking, he kept playing the two very different expressions on Varom’s face against each other.

Hours passed and he tossed and turned, unable to understand why it bothered him so much. He accidentally jostled Shepard too abruptly in her sleep and regretted it as soon as she spoke.

“If you’re going to keep me awake,” Sarah’s eyes fluttered open, a sleepy smirk on her face, “you might as well make yourself useful.”

“And just how would I do that, Commander?” he teased back, all thoughts of Varom gone as he drank in her deep eyes.

“Oh, I can think of a few ways. But why don’t you start by telling me about how much of a bad ass you were on Earth.”


	5. Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Burn](http://youtu.be/8PphpPwncEg)  
>  Ellie Goulding

_London, England, Earth - August 14, 2186 CE_

_It was like a dream. A very twisted, confusing dream. He tried to focus on his task, but he found his gaze constantly drawn out the second floor window and across the street to where Commander Shepard was at this very moment. Some moments, it was like the most blissful dream he had ever had. Other moments, it was a horrible nightmare._

_Coats had trouble concentrating on anything after meeting Commander Sarah Shepard. She had been his hero for nearly a decade, and now she was here. He was finally “assigned” to her team. It had taken twelve years of dedicated service, the near decimation of Earth, and the death of his best friend, but Commander Shepard was finally here. In the flesh._

_She was not at all what he had expected. She was so much more. Her eyes flashed with a fervor that a vidscreen couldn’t capture. Her walk was determined and fearless. And the stray hair that kept escaping from her loose ponytail was more endearing - and dare he say adorable - than he could ever have imagined._

_He was only sad that it had taken him this long to finally meet her. And that their meeting seemed to be occurring on the eve of Earth’s destruction. He had meant every word he said in their brief moments together._

 

“It will do the troops good to see you. Bolster their resolve.”

She hadn’t looked at him. Her green eyes continued to stare out at the desolation that was London’s war-torn streets.

“I’m just a soldier like them,” she had replied.

“You might see yourself like that, but they don’t. Like it or not, Commander, you’re a hero to these men and women.”

She had turned to look at him then. It nearly took his breath away, and Coats hoped that she couldn’t hear the beating of his heart over the peals of gunfire in the distance.

_My God, you are so beautiful_ , _even with all of this...death around you,_ he had thought, but out loud, he had gulped and said, “Don’t discount the effect that can have on them.”

 

_The breath that escaped his lungs after she left him alone was embarrassingly loud, but no one could hear him then. And no one could hear him as he said to himself, “Don’t discount the effect you have on me,” before returning to his post._

If only Billings could have been alive to see this, _he thought with furrowed brows as he checked the supplies for the fifth time since Shepard’s arrival at base camp._ No, I can’t think like that. He gave his life so I could be here. Here with Shepard - here with this woman who gives me hope I’ve never felt before. I have to keep trying. Have to keep fighting. Have to -

_His thoughts were interrupted when he saw the Communications Tech he had ordered to assist Shepard exit the comm room with a confused look on his face. From his perch on the second floor, Coats could see that Shepard was still in the room, her hands splayed on the table. Her head hung in defeat between her shoulders as she leaned forward, making Coats’ heart yearn to lift those bright eyes up again. Before he knew what he was doing, he found himself on the first floor, heading across the street to the comm room._

_“What happened, Private?” he asked briskly as he walked toward the door._

_“I don’t know, sir,” the Tech saluted. “She talked to a bunch of people. The last one was a Mr. Taylor. After that, she appeared agitated and asked me to leave.”_

_Without another word, Coats palmed the door for entrance and stepped through, the hiss of the doors closing behind him startling him as he paused to stare at the back of this model of a woman. But he didn’t have much time to gather his thoughts. Commander Shepard whirled around to face him, a flash of green anger pinning him in place. Coats struggled not to wince as her words hit him._

_“I thought I told you to -”_

_But then she stopped, her face frozen. Coats heard his blood rushing in his ears during the awkward silence that ensued. Her features were unreadable, but Coats could tell they had at least softened a bit. Clearing his throat, he dared breach the gulf between them._

_“I’m sorry, Commander,” he said. His legs moved with a mind of their own, carrying him closer to her. What would he say? What was he doing here? “I saw that you had dismissed the Communications Tech and wanted to make sure everything was working properly for you.”_

_“Everything’s fine,” she replied, blowing that stray hair out of her face again. Coats couldn’t help but stare at it as it settled back down in the same place in front of her left eye. He longed to reach out and -_

_“I just needed a few minutes alone.”_

_Her abrupt words woke him from his trance._

_“Right. I apologize for intruding. I’ll just -”_

_“No.” She reached out with one arm towards him in a halting gesture. “Stay.”_

_So he stayed. He could tell the Commander was sizing him up as she crossed her arms and looked him over. He willed himself not to blush under her scrutinizing gaze._

_What happened in the next few moments was a blur. Shepard asked him general questions about his time in service, his reasons for joining the Alliance. Small talk at its finest. But Phillip Coats_ felt _something. There was more to this conversation. He could feel it. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from hers. There was some sort of connection between them - some sort of...electricity that flowed between them. He had felt it mildly when he saw her on vidscreens for the last ten years, but now, in front of him, it was_ real. _For the first time since he had seen her face, she was looking back at him - and_ really _seeing him._

_And then everything changed. She stopped questioning. She ordered him to follow her. And Coats was completely powerless to do otherwise. Where was she taking him? What did she want? He didn’t care. All he knew was that he wanted - no, needed - to be near her._

_He hadn’t paid attention to this dark corner of the safe zone before, this place where two buildings created a darkened alley, unlit by the lights of the camp or the gunfire surrounding them. But now, he would never forget it. When she turned to face him, Phillip Coats saw a different Commander Shepard all together. This was not the fearless commander. This was a woman. A stunningly beautiful woman whose bright eyes gleamed in the darkness and lit a fire in his chest that was undeniable._

_He would never be sure what overcame him in that moment, but he was so glad that his body could act where his mind could not. He lunged for her, gripping the back of her head with a gloved hand and pulling her close to him as he kissed her. She tasted of war and strength and determination, but her hunger to be touched matched his own. When she moaned into his mouth, he found more courage and used his other hand to pull her body awkwardly against his._

_He needed her. More than he had ever needed anything in his life. For the first time in years, Phillip Coats felt alive as his tongue entwined with hers._

_The gloves came off quickly and he found that her hair was softer than he would have guessed. He tugged on it lightly to tilt her head back and give him access to her neck. She gasped as he nipped and sucked on the tender skin below her ear, tasting her pulse point and feeling her heart racing against his lips._

_His hands knew what to do, and apparently, so did hers, despite the fact that their minds were completely overcome with this feeling of_ Life. _The confined space was awkward and the armor got in the way, but somehow, the necessary pieces of his armor fell to the ground along with hers. He pressed her more firmly against the wall, biting her lip lightly as he dared place his fingers between her folds._

_What he found made him groan and he probed for more. She was so wet already. He circled her clit slowly with his fingers and then stretched them inside her, placing his thumb defly just where it needed to be to make her moan against him. He felt her lips on his neck now and her hips rocked against his hands as his fingers pressed in and out of her. She returned his touch with swift, tight strokes of her own on his cock, which throbbed with anticipation. He was quickly losing control when the woman in his grasp finally spoke._

_“Now,” she gasped. And he obeyed, pulling his hands away from her quickly and pressing her bare ass against the cement wall as he entered her in one swift movement. He let out a cry of need as he felt her surround him. It was as if they had always belonged together. He began gently, but soon his thrusts became desperate and wild. Shepard’s walls became tighter and tighter as he lowered his mouth to her neck once again, muffling his cries and willing himself to hold out as long as she needed him to._

_But he couldn’t. This feeling was too amazing. It was too longed for. He felt himself beginning to climax as he nipped her earlobe, hoping to slow the process, but then he could feel her release as well. She used both hands to fist what small amount of hair he had behind his ears, forcing his teeth against her neck as she let out a wordless sigh of pleasure. When her walls rhythmically milked his cock, he completely lost all sense of being and whispered her name into her neck._

_But then it was over. Silently, they snapped their armor back in place. Coats stole glances at the Commander whenever he could, but she was avoiding looking at him. What had just happened? How could he be so stupid? What had he done? If they survived this, would she ever respect him? Did this mean anything to her?_

_The questions floated torturously through his mind as he straightened out his hair and rolled back his shoulders, preparing to return to the fight._

This was a mistake, _he thought as he took his first step toward the light, but then he felt her hand on his arm. She stopped him by gripping it more tightly as he turned to look at her. His emotions were too raw in this moment, too untamed. He was sure his eyes told her everything about him in that one glance._

I could fall in love with you, Sarah Shepard, _he said to her silently. He was almost more surprised by what she said, interrupting his daydream._

_“Thank you.”_

_It completely caught him off guard. Thank you? She was grateful to him for this? Who was this woman? She was so strong and so beautiful, but yet…_

_In that moment, he understood. Her face spoke more clearly than her words did. They were surrounded by death, war, and destruction, but in this one moment, each of them had found peace. Each of them had felt alive._

_Commander Shepard had made him feel more alive than he had ever felt. And in that moment, he realized that he, Phillip Coats - a nobody soldier from London - had done the same for her._

_He didn’t know how to reply. Every word he thought to say stuck in his throat, so all he could do was grip her arm tightly in return, hoping she understood what he meant._

_But it wasn’t enough. His heart was screaming at him as they both left the dark of the alley and began the long walk back to the fight. The feeling got so loud, that finally, Coats found himself giving into this strange impulse that crept up from the bottom of his toes. Every logical warning in his brain was firing off at him that he was crazy, but his heart told him he was right._

_He stopped just before they crossed the line where someone in the base camp could see them and turned to face her. She halted abruptly behind him, her eyebrows flying up in surprise as he locked her in place with his eyes. Without taking another moment to doubt himself, Coats wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled Shepard close to him. He kissed her as he had not kissed her before - not the kiss of a lustful, desperate soldier in a war zone, but something soft and deep and pure. She didn’t pull away from him. She returned his gentle touch with her own hand on his cheek._

_When he spoke again, his voice was barely above a whisper._

_“You will save us all, Commander,” he said, voice heavy with an emotion he couldn’t describe. “And I will see you on the other side.”_

 

********************************************************************************************************

 

The Citadel - 2188 CE

 

“Why are you always awake so early?”

Coats smiled as he leaned over to kiss the exposed neck of the the half-sleeping woman in his arms.

“Old habits die hard, I guess,” he replied. “I’ve been a soldier for a long time.”

“I’ve been a soldier longer than you, young man,” Shepard teased as she rolled over on her side to face him. “And I will never be a morning person.”

“It’s almost 1000...the fake sun has been up for hours…”

“1000 is still before noon, am I right?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s still fucking morning and I don’t want to see the sun or anything else for a few more hours.” Shepard shut her eyes and curled up into Coats’ chest as he wrapped his arms around her again. “Except for you. I like seeing you in the morning.”

“Oh, really?” Coats teased as he gently stroked her back and placed a kiss on her forehead. “Why’s that?”

“Shhh…” Shepard scolded. “I said I liked _seeing_ you. It’s still too early for talking.”

“We’ve been talking for a while.”

“And we can stop at anytime.”

“You started it.”

“Smart ass.” But Shepard was smiling as she made that last remark, opening her eyes again and leaning forward, capturing Coats’ mouth in a deep kiss. When she released him, she laid her head back on the pillow and gazed at him with laughing green eyes. He relaxed as she raised a hand to gently stroke his jaw.

“Do we have anything to do today?” she asked.

“What am I, your secretary?” Coats joked.

“I think the fact that I’ve been sleeping with you for months rules out that possibility. And you are snappy today,” Shepard smirked. “It’s just too early...I can’t remember if I have any meetings today.”

“Well, if you did, you probably already missed them.”

Shepard lightly smacked Coats’ arm and he feigned hurt in response.

“Alright, alright,” he said. “I’ll stop. And no, I don’t think either of us has anywhere to be today. It’s our first full day of leave. I think Hackett believed we had earned at least one day off.”

“Hmmm…” Shepard hummed as she raised her hand again, but this time to stroke Coats’ disheveled hair. He briefly closed his eyes to enjoy the sensation. This entire scene was better than he could ever have imagined. The pain of losing his family would never entirely fade, but laying here in the arms of the most beautiful woman he had ever known, and who also happened to be the greatest war hero the galaxy had ever seen, almost made the last two painful years of his life worth it.

“Phillip?” Shepard whispered. Coats kept his eyes closed as she continued to run her fingers through his hair.

“Yes, love?” he whispered back.

“What happens now?”

“Well, I guess we’ll wait for Hackett to summon us,” he sighed, still refusing to open his eyes. “The Council will probably give us a couple of weeks to rest, but there’s still Tuchanka and Rannoch to help as well as many of the other -”

He stopped abruptly and let his eyelids lift when he noticed that Shepard had stopped stroking his hair. Her green orbs were no longer flashing with mirth. They looked serious beneath her creased brow.

“That’s...not what you were talking about, was it?” he asked quietly as he propped himself up on an elbow.

“No,” she said quickly. They were both silent for several moments. Finally, Shepard spoke again, her eyes darting away from his face and studying the hem of the sheet pulled up around her chest. “I meant what happens now...with us?”

Coats had absolutely no idea how to respond to that question. He knew what he wanted - to be with her. Always. He knew she loved him, but he still wasn’t sure what she expected from this conversation, or from him, so he cleared his throat.

“What do you want to happen with us?” he asked carefully, unable to restrain himself from reaching out to tuck his favorite stray hair behind her ear, gently caressing her cheek as he did so. His heart relaxed a bit when she looked back up at him with a soft smile.

“I - I don’t know exactly,” she began, her eyes falling again to stare at the sheet. “But I do know that since the moment I met you, since that first moment when I looked into your eyes...you’ve made me feel alive.”

Coats heart was thudding in his chest. He had always felt the same way, but to hear her say it, meant so much more. Where was she going with this?

“I don’t know what the future holds for us,” she continued, looking into his face again. “I don’t know how we’ll handle our posts or the baby or any of it, but I do know one thing. No matter what, I want to be with you. We can work out all the rest.”

He couldn’t stop himself. Bending down, he felt the electricity pulse through him, beginning with his lips as he let them touch hers and traveling all the way into his toes as she returned his kiss.

“I love you,” he whispered as he pulled away. “We’ll figure everything out.” He leaned over again, pulling her close to him and placing soft kisses down her neck, a warmth growing in his gut.

“I have something to tell you. And don’t be mad at me.”

“What could I possibly be mad at you for right now?” he asked as he let his hands trail down her neck and trace a collarbone.

“I put in a request with Hackett,” she said, pushing herself up and propping her head on an elbow to mirror him.

“What kind of request?” Coats asked with one brow raised.

“We have a couple of problems,” she continued. Coats tried not to smile as Shepard’s face quickly assumed its “Commander” expression. “First, we’re both Alliance and we are clearly fraternizing. After all we’ve done, it would be a damn shame if we were dishonorably discharged. And second, I’m fucking pregnant.”

She chuckled at that and Coats let the smile he had been stifling break through.

“I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not going to be able to be on active duty in a few weeks. Maybe I can handle one or two more missions, but after that, they don’t make maternity uniforms,” she looked uncomfortable briefly, but then rolled her shoulders to finish her sentence, “I hope you don’t mind, but I may have put in a request for a new position with Hackett. He didn’t ask me to explain, but I think he got the picture.”

“And you want me to put in a request as well?” Coats asked.

“That’s up to you,” she replied. “But as long as we’re both in the Alliance, we will have problems, and,” her eyes softened before she finished, “I don’t want to hide this anymore.”

The emotion in her face was plain to see. Now he finally knew what she had wanted from this conversation all along.

“I’ve never wanted to hide this,” he whispered. “You’re ok with everyone else -”

“They already know anyway. I told everyone that matters. Ashley, Garrus, Liara, Tali, Joker - you know.”

Coats was surprised at that. He thought Sarah might tell him when she had announced to her friends that they were together, but he didn’t really mind. All that mattered was that she was serious enough about this to tell the people closest to her the truth.

“Did you tell them about...the baby?” he asked quietly.

“Well, I didn’t tell _all_ of them about the baby,” Shepard replied, averting her eyes quickly. “But they will all know soon enough.”

“Who did you tell?”

“Ashley and Jack so far. And I’m sure Garrus knows since Ashley does.”

“I’m sure,” Coats chuckled.

With each word she spoke, he felt more and more sure of everything in his life. Painful as his memories might be, this beautiful, feisty woman had done so much more than say she loved him. She had proved she loved him by her actions. Coats felt his heart soar, and without thinking, he answered her unasked question.

“I’ll speak with Hackett this afternoon.”

“Well that’s a bit soon, isn’t it?” she replied.

“Is there some reason I should wait?”

Coats fell back against his pillow as Shepard picked herself up to push him down and lean over him, her fingers trailing lazy patterns on his bare chest. He felt his hair stand on end as she gently placed her lips on his neck just below his ear, her hot breath following each soft kiss and forcing his eyes to close with contentment.

“For one, this _is_ our first full day of leave. And I’m sure I can think of a few more…”


	6. One Year, Six Months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [One Year, Six Months](http://youtu.be/DFsmjMA0rK4)  
>  Yellowcard

_The Citadel - August 16, 2186_

 

_Stims had been Coats’ best friend in the War, and nothing had changed now that it was over. He stood for just a moment to look back at what he and his team had covered in the last few hours._

_The Citadel was almost unrecognizable, its corridors and hallways twisted into some nightmarish version of its former self. The putrid smell of rotting flesh had hit him in an overpowering wave when he and his team were first cleared to enter the remains of the space station to look for Shepard and Anderson, but he hadn’t cared. Some of his team members had worn helmets to guard against the smell, but Coats refused, plunging forward into the dankness and the horror of the scene before them with determination. He would find her. He would not rest until he found her._

_He had pleaded with Hackett to let him take a team and go. Sensors had determined that there was still air on the floating mass of rubble. Although it was really only a few hours, Coats felt like it took days to convince the Alliance brass that it was safe to board the Citadel and search for survivors. But in the end, it was clear that Hackett wanted Shepard found almost as much as he did, and the admiral let Coats take a small team without the official go-ahead from the Alliance or the Council._

_Commander Shepard was a hero. Somehow, she really_ had _saved them all. And Coats would be damned if he left her to rot up there alone._

_The War had officially ended at 1945 on August 14, 2186. That was the date that would be recorded in the history books for all time - the date that Commander Sarah Shepard, a human orphan from the planet Earth, had found a way to fire the weapon that destroyed the Reapers. Everyone was still unclear how she had done it. No one had heard from her or Anderson since the blast of red light passed over all of them, synthetics and Reapers falling to the ground amidst a chorus of cheers from all organic life across the galaxy._

_But Phillip Coats hadn’t cheered. He had looked heavenward at the silhouette of the giant space station in the sky and allowed long held back streams of water to course over his tired face. He wept bitterly for Billings and his family while he simultaneously cried tears of joy and relief that the long, horrible fight was over. But most of all, he wept for the woman he knew was up there somewhere, and though he was not a particularly religious man, he silently prayed to whatever god would listen that Sarah Shepard was alive and he would see her again._

_Almost four hours after the Reapers fell, Coats and a small team were finally cleared to board the Citadel, assess the damage, and most of all, look for the Hero of the Galaxy. Thirty-three hours and four teams later, they still hadn’t found any trace of Shepard or Anderson. Hackett had communicated with Coats several times, pleading with him to rest for a few hours, but Coats would have none of it. He jammed another stim into his leg each time a new team arrived and continued to turn over every piece of rubble and every mangled corpse in search of the woman who made him feel alive._

_The new shift had fresh legs and fresh eyes, so after surveying the corridor they had traversed in the past hour, Coats let himself sit for a brief moment. As soon as he did so, he knew it was a mistake. His eyes suddenly felt heavy and his joints threatened to betray how truly exhausted he was, despite the enormous amount of chemicals he had pumped into his body to convince them otherwise over the past two days. Cursing his weakness, he placed his hands on his knees and tried to force himself to stand. It was no use. Thirty-three hours of searching after waiting for clearance for four hours and nearly eight hours of straight fighting before that were finally taking their toll. But just as he dropped his arms to the side again, something miraculous happened._

_“Major Coats!” a young female marine called out to him from 20 yards ahead. “We’ve found something, sir!”_

_That was all Coats needed to find his legs and energy again. He took off at a sprint to meet the young lieutenant where she stood._

_“I don’t think it’s her,” she began, knowing that Coats would understand exactly who she meant by “her”, “but I think there’s someone under this rubble.”_

_Coats surveyed what the lieutenant had found. There was indeed a body stuck under a huge fallen rock of cement. Clearly, the person underneath was no longer alive, but the limbs that were visible looked different from the rest of the corpses they had found strewn all over the Citadel. The Reapers’ disgusting harvesting tactics clearly had not touched whoever this was._

_“You there!” he called to the other marines on his squad. “Come help us move this!”_

_It took four of them, but they were finally able to move the heavy obstacle. What Coats saw made his heart simultaneously sink in despair and leap with hope at the same time._

_It was Anderson. The poor man had died a hero’s death, but at least they had found his body. Coats knelt and closed the eyes of the man who was his mentor for the past four and a half months; the man had bravely led the resistance on Earth._

_“Rest, my friend,” he whispered. “It’s over now.”_

_Turning on his comm, Coats said, “Admiral Hackett.”_

“Coats. Did you find her?”

_“I haven’t found Shepard yet, but I did find Admiral Anderson. Could you send a team to collect his body?”_

“His - I see, yes. I will send a team right away. But Shepard was right behind him. If you found Anderson, then -”

_“I’m very aware of that, sir. We will find her. Coats out.”_

_He didn’t have to instruct his team what to do. All of them began searching with renewed fervor. Voices rang out, calling her name. The echoes bounced back at Coats painfully as they scoured meter after meter with no sign of Commander Shepard._

_When the new team arrived to collect Anderson, the search party stood in silence for the man who had led them on Earth and served the human race so well for so long. Even Coats paused in his search to pay short homage to the man. He watched as the female marine who had found the admiral removed her helmet in respect and silently wiped a tear as it fell. No one moved for several seconds, the reality of the scene before them setting in. Coats remained standing so he would not become tired again, but in the silence, he heard his own heart beating with the fresh shock of finding his friend dead._

_But perhaps silence was just what he needed. As he pondered all that had occurred after the ground team carried Anderson’s remains away, he heard something else. Something he hadn’t heard before amidst the cries for Commander Shepard, the shuffling of feet, and the overturning of bodies and rubble._

_He heard someone breathing._

_At first, he thought nothing of it, deciding it was his overstimulated brain telling him he was hearing things that didn’t really exist. But the longer he listened in the silence, the more it pierced his senses. It wasn’t a healthy sounding rhythm; it was raspy and thick. He turned to look at his small search team, each of them still standing in reverence around the place where Anderson had been found, but the grating breath faded to almost nothing as he did so. If this sound was real, it wasn’t coming from his team._

_Slowly, he turned in the opposite direction, his heart starting to beat faster as he hoped what he heard was real. He took a step toward the sound and could have sworn it got louder. His eyes combed a pile of rubble to his left while his team stood steadfastly on his right. There was someone alive in that pile on the left -- the corner that no one had searched yet on this level near Anderson’s body._

_He began walking slowly. His legs were shaking, but he willed them to move. With each step, he gained speed, ignoring the surprised glances on the faces of his team. When he arrived at the pile, he stopped._

_“Major -” the female lieutenant cried out from behind him._

_“Shhh!” he interrupted, his arm jutting out to silence her. He had lost it. The breathing sound was gone as soon as she spoke._

_He waited in the silence again, his shoulders slumping, his head hanging. But just when he thought perhaps he might have had too many stims, he heard it again. It was right in front of him, but higher on the pile. He raised his eyes to look up and then he saw it - an Alliance issue boot, hanging over the edge of the rubble, a few meters above his head._

_“Come, help me!” he called to his team. “There’s someone alive over here.”_

_He couldn’t climb fast enough. The rubble sometimes shifted and sometimes crumbled beneath his feet as he climbed the few meters that separated him from the mysterious boot. He heard his team making their way up behind him, more rubble shifting and crumbling, but steadily, they all reached the higher level._

_And when Coats finally saw who it was, he cried out for joy. His heart nearly leapt from his chest when he saw her face. Without thinking, he reached out to her neck to feel for a pulse. It was faint, but her heart was beating and her breath came in heavy, painful gasps._

_“My God, she’s alive!” he shouted. The crew behind him finally scrambled to his side, unsure of what to do. “Message Hackett right away!”_

_He crawled onto his hands and knees next to Shepard and cleaned off the dust and dirt that had settled on her. She was clearly in bad shape, bloodied and bruised everywhere that he could see, but each time she took another painful breath, Coats felt his chest expand like a balloon of hope._

_“Hold on, Shepard. Just hold on,” he said as he brushed that precious stray hair away from her bloodied and cracked lips. He looked up briefly to see that his team were all rushing down the rubble pile again to direct the arriving marines to their position. Taking advantage of the small moment of peace he had, Coats bent down quickly and placed a light kiss on Shepard’s forehead._

_“Stay with me, Shepard,” he whispered. “We made it to the other side.”_

 

 

********************************************************************************************************

 

 

The Citadel - February 14, 2188 CE

 

Coats woke to the sound of violent retching in the bathroom. Instinctively, he reached out to find the bed empty and sat up with a start.

“Sarah?” he called tentatively. “Are you alright?”

“Does it sound like I’m fucking al -” Shepard’s irritated reply was interrupted by another fit of stomach convulsions. Still half-asleep, Coats jumped up as quickly as he could and made his way to the bathroom. He found his beloved curled around the toilet bowl looking absolutely miserable.

“You did this to me, you fucking bastard,” she said, but there was a hint of sarcastic humor to her tone. Coats dropped to his haunches and gently brushed the hair out of her eyes.

“Fuck, I’m gonna go aga -”

This time, Coats knelt next to his lover and held her hair back as she dry heaved over and over. When the latest fit appeared to be finished, she sat back, out of breath, and looked at him with eyes half-closed.

“This is real love, you know,” she smiled at him weakly.

“What is?” he asked in reply.

“You, sitting here holding my hair while I spew my guts.”

“Well, if this is really my fault, the least I could do is keep your hair out of the mess.”

“Damn right it is.”

They both chuckled as Coats slid next to Shepard, their heads leaning against the wall while Coats placed his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into his chest and closed her eyes.

“This is hell,” she said.

“I thought you didn’t have morning sickness,” he replied after kissing the top of her head.

“I did, too. Chakwas said every woman is different and I figured that meant I’m just too bad ass for morning sickness. But apparently this baby has a different idea of how I should spend my mornings for a while.”

Coats laughed abruptly, but Shepard quickly raised her head with a scolding glare.

“Don’t do that. You made my head bob all over and now I -” Her face turned slightly green when she paused, but after a few seconds, the look faded and she resumed her position against Coats’ chest. “Thought I was going to puke again for a second.”

“I’m sorry,” Coats said, truly apologetic.

“You should be. You and that dick of yours did this to me.”

“And I’d do it again.”

Shepard punched him in the arm and looked up. But all she said was “Jerk,” with a smile on her face. They sat together in silence for several more moments, Coats stroking Shepard’s hair gently as she leaned against him. For all her talk, Coats knew that Shepard wanted this baby. On the other hand, he knew that pregnancy would not be easy -- for either of them. But Coats, for his part, wouldn’t change the last year and six months of his life for anything. One year and six months to the day since he met Shepard. One year and six months since the Crucible fired. One year and six months since his life finally took a huge U-turn for the better.

No. He wouldn’t change a thing.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, love,” he whispered, finally breaking the silence.

“I hate fucking Valentine’s Day,” she replied. “And now I hate it even more since this is the day I started puking. And if it’s Valentine’s Day, that means it’s the 14th of the month. And if it’s the 14th of the month, that means it’s...”

She trailed off, but Coats knew exactly what she was thinking about. That day of the month would always make her think of the Crucible, the Reapers, and all the pain associated with memories of a War that she had won but had given her, and all of them, permanent scars.

“You could look at it this way,” he said, pulling her closer to him. “It’s exactly one year and six months since we met.”

“Hmmph,” she rewarded him with a half-hearted huff.

“And then I found you again two days later.”

“But for two days, I lay unconscious and barely alive atop the Citadel. You were the only person who…”

She trailed off again and Coats knew that he had to change the subject.

“There is one thing that could redeem this day,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“Our appointment with Chakwas.”

“Fuck, you’re right! What time is it?” All of a sudden, Shepard was herself again.

“It’s still early,” he replied, aching at the loss of her touch as she stood up. “0730 maybe?”

“Not bad, Major. 0732. We have 28 minutes to get there. Suit up, soldier!”

Coats couldn’t help but laugh at Shepard’s newfound excitement. Today was the day they had planned to find out the sex of the baby. Medical advances had made it possible to find out the sex of the baby much earlier than previous centuries, but Shepard and Coats had not decided until a week earlier that they wanted to know whether their baby would be a boy or a girl.Shepard was extremely healthy and there was no other reason for this appointment, but Coats did love the look on Shepard’s face when they heard their baby’s heartbeat. It was as if the sun had burst through a dark rain cloud and lit the earth with a rainbow each time the tiny heartbeat filled the empty space of a medical room.

Shepard was dressed long before Coats, who was still feeling the effects of sleep on his limbs while struggling to pull on pants and a shirt. While trying to comb his hair, Shepard stopped him, placed his comb on the counter, and ruffled her fingers through his dark strands, completely destroying his efforts to look put together.

“Come on. It looks better messy anyway,” she winked at him.

He could tell she was antsy in the skycar to Chakwas’ office when her fingers drummed incessantly on the armrest. Coats smiled and reached out to grasp her agitated digits, thumbing over her skin gently. When they finally reached the office, Shepard nearly ran to find her old friend.

“Shepard,” Chakwas looked up from the desk of her new clinic in surprise. “You’re a bit early.”

“Been up puking since 0530,” Shepard said with a wry grin.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I had hoped you would be one of the lucky ones to avoid that unfortunate side effect.”

“No luck,” Shepard shrugged.

“Major Coats, good to see you as well.”

Coats nodded at the doctor and said, “Likewise.”

“Well, let’s get you set up and we’ll see what we can find out.”

Shepard and Coats followed Chakwas back to a private room with a reclined patient chair. The monitor and other tools were all prepared in advance. Shepard was used to the routine by now. Instead of daintily lifting up her shirt for Chakwas to have access to her abdomen, she just pulled it over her head and threw it in a chair.

_“Chakwas has seen me naked more than a few times,”_ she had said to Coats on their first visit. _“No shame here.”_

It didn’t take long for Chakwas to turn on her omni-tool and place the scope-like instrument just above Shepard’s low-riding waistband. Even though he knew it was coming, Coats was still excitedly surprised when they heard the heartbeat on the monitor.

“There it is,” Chakwas said. “Nice and strong, just like last week. Do the two of you still want to know the sex of the baby?”

Coats nodded as Shepard said, “Yep. Dragged my puking ass out of the bathroom for this.”

Chakwas smiled at both of them before briefly looking down at her omni-tool.

“It’s a boy.”

“A boy?!” Coats could hardly contain his excitement. He would have been happy with either a boy or a girl, but there was something to be said for knowing who it was that would join their family in a few months.

Family. There was that word again. It had appeared in the back of his mind over and over for weeks now, like some sort of recurring dream that he couldn’t quite remember when he woke up. He wanted that word to mean something to him again. The last words he had ever heard Maggie say frequently haunted his thoughts.

 

_“You will just have to make a new family, Phil. I love you so much…”_

 

He knew that signing papers and wearing rings would not make him love Shepard and their child anymore than he already did, but something about the idea of marriage to this woman who had so changed his life made him long for it - more than anything he had ever wanted before. Family. A real, official family. In that moment, he knew he had to find a way to ask the savior of the galaxy to marry him. How he would do it or when, he had no idea, but he knew his soul would not rest until she was his in the galaxy’s record books. They would be a family and Maggie and Billings’ sacrifices would not be for nothing.

“Yep, a boy.”

“A boy,” Shepard said softly. Coats looked at her carefully to see if she was disappointed. They hadn’t discussed if either of them had a preference. This was the first time he worried that she would be unhappy. But as soon as he saw her face, he knew he had nothing to worry about.

“A boy,” she repeated in a whisper, looking at him with a dreamy grin spreading slowly from ear to ear as she squeezed his hand. “Karin?” Shepard reached for Chakwas’ hand with her free one.

Chakwas smiled at her as Shepard asked, “Can we listen to the heartbeat again?”

Without a word, Chakwas retrieved her small scope-looking tool and placed it against Shepard bare abdomen. The medical room was filled with the fast _thud-thud-thud_ of a tiny little boy, newly formed and full of life.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Phillip,” Shepard said as she turned to look at Coats. He couldn’t speak as he leaned over to kiss her gently on the cheek.

“I don’t think any of the other activities I had planned for the day can top this,” he whispered in her ear as he pulled away.

“You don’t have to worry about that,” she smiled, her eyes turned back to the monitor. “This was perfect.”


	7. What Sarah Said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [What Sarah Said](http://youtu.be/I483tB12SyE)  
>  Death Cab for Cutie
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry for the delay, friends and neighbors. Thanks for your patience and here is a new chapter!

_London, England, Earth - March 14, 2187_

 

_The cigarette tasted better than he had imagined after not having a single one in years. But with the satisfied feeling came instant regret and Maggie’s voice in the back of his mind, scolding him for giving in to temptation._

_“I’m sorry, Mags,” Coats whispered to the cool evening air before taking another drag._

_The London hospital was a bustle of energy as usual, but he had purposely arrived when the shift would be slowing down. Dinner time for patients was over, doctors and nurses on the new shift rested after checking the nighttime charts, and a contented hum emanated from the facility. That was how Coats liked it. Quiet and calm._

_Earth’s recovery was going surprisingly well and the healing miracles that happened in this hospital every day were no exception. Coats had not taken a day for himself since the end of the War, choosing instead to spend his time helping repair the damage done to the planet. They still had a long way to go, but each day brought progress. Often, he was sent to other cities to aid in the relief effort, but every chance he got, he came back to London and this hospital._

_He took another long, slow drag of his cigarette before tossing it on the ground and stamping it out. He held the warm air in as long as he could before exhaling just as slowly, enjoying every second of relief it provided. He knew he couldn’t keep pushing like this forever. Something had to give. But he would keep serving and helping as long as he could. He had to stay busy, so for now, smoking could provide him with a brief respite at the end of the day. Just one cigarette a day. Maggie couldn’t hold that against him, could she?_

_With a sigh, he stood and walked the dusk-lit sidewalk back to the hospital. The doctors and nurses all knew him by name as he walked past them, several of them nodding and greeting him in the halls. They knew where he was going. It was the same place he always went when he was in London. The same room at the end of a long, silent hallway._

_But it wasn’t silent tonight. As he rounded the corner of the open doorway, he saw Dr. Selina standing by the solitary bed, checking monitors and humming a soft tune._

_“Major Coats,” the asari doctor said quietly with a smile when she saw him. “What a pleasant surprise. It’s always good to see you.”_

_Coats nodded as he assumed his usual seat at Shepard’s bedside. It had not moved in the week he had been gone. Either someone had put it back for him or they all knew he would return and want the chair right there - just close enough to touch her but far enough away to keep him from doing so._

_“Any change?”_

_He asked the same question every time, even though he knew what Selina would say. She would tell him that Shepard’s vitals were normal and there were occasional spikes in brain activity, but other than that, nothing new to report. No signs that the hero of the galaxy would be awake anytime soon._

_But to Coats’ surprise, that was not what the doctor said._

_“Actually,” she smiled as she turned off her omni-tool and faced him over the bed. “I do have something to tell you. We’ve noticed more brain activity than before - the spikes are more irregular and more frequent. I think it’s a good sign.”_

_“Knowing you,” Coats replied, trying and failing to muffle his excitement at the doctor’s words, “you would say any change is a good sign. I should call you Dr. Optimist.”_

_Selina chuckled and smiled at him good-naturedly. “And I would take that as a compliment,” she chirped. “However, I am a doctor, you know. Trained in medicine and all that. And I say, as a medical professional and not just an optimist, that I think it’s a good sign. Not enough to tell you if or when she might wake up, only to tell you that there is more hope than there was yesterday.”_

_Coats stopped himself from saying that she told him there was more hope than yesterday every time he visited. Instead, he tried to muster a smile but only managed a weak, tired grin._

_“Well, perhaps she’ll wake up for my birthday,” he finally said._

_“Your birthday?” Selina’s face lit up. “When is that?”_

_“Tomorrow. And there’s an announcement you should watch on the news.”_

_“Really? Oh, I’m sure the whole planet wants to be a part of your celebration after all you do for everyone here - human or not. I’ll definitely tune in. What time will it be on?”_

_“The announcement has nothing to do with my birthday, but it will be in the evening news report.”_

_“I’ll make sure to watch.” Dr. Selina took several steps for the door before Coats stopped her one last time._

_“I appreciate all you do for her,” he said quietly, turning to study the sleeping face of the Commander on the bed._

_“Oh, I don’t do it for you,” Selina replied as she turned for the door. “But I’ll accept your thanks anyway. Good night. Goddess watch over you both.”_

_“Good night.”_

_The space left behind Selina’s lithe form was like a vacuum sucking the life out of the room. Her bright spirit lightened up the air, but now Coats was left alone in the new evening light of the hospital room with the woman who had not spoken or even fluttered an eyelash in over six months._

_He let the silence envelope him with its cold embrace as he looked upon the silent figure of Commander Shepard. She looked so peaceful. Her bruises and injuries finally healed, her chest rose and fell lightly with her breath. Shepard had been breathing on her own for weeks now, but still no signs of her waking. He had hoped beyond hope she would wake when they took her off the ventilator, but that was the last big improvement she had made._

_“So, I’m sure you heard,” he began, speaking to her as he always did when he visited. The first few times he did it, he had felt silly, but now, the sound of his voice in the empty room felt familiar and a little bit like home. “Tomorrow’s my birthday. It’s not usually very important, really. But the reason they brought me home early from my last assignment_ is _important.”_

_He paused, waiting for her to respond even though he knew she wouldn’t. As expected, she continued to breathe slowly, but nothing else._

_“Hackett called me back because the Council wants to offer me a new position. They want to make me a Spectre, Shepard. Like you. I accepted. It all happens tomorrow.”_

_Coats’ heart ached for her to wake up and say something - anything. But there was still no reaction. He sighed and inwardly cursed himself for allowing Selina’s words to give him hope. If there was anyone in the world he wished to share this news with, it was Shepard. But there she lay - in perpetual sleep._

_On an impulse, Coats reached his hand out tentatively and held it just above hers as it rested by her side. He felt his pulse quicken and pound in his ears as he found the courage to gently lower it until his fingers brushed her own. A deep breath released from his chest at the contact, and without thinking, he squeezed her fingers softly. A burst of emotion rose from deep within his chest and threatened to force the tears welling up in his eyes to overflow, but he dropped his head and blinked them back._

_“I have a feeling that if you were awake, you would be fighting even harder than I am now to fix the galaxy. So I promise that I will always try to do what I think you would do. I cannot ever take your place, but I can try to keep the peace that you fought so hard for. I just wish --”_

_His monologue was interrupted by a twitch of the hand underneath his._

_He couldn’t breathe. Had that been real? Had she really moved? Even an involuntary movement was better than nothing. Shepard hadn’t even done_ that _the whole time she had laid in this bed._

_Maybe he had imagined it. Maybe it was a product of how hard he had pushed himself for months. Maybe he was hallucinating. Coats shook his head, but found he didn’t have the willpower to let go of her hand. He decided he wasn’t going anywhere tonight. He would stay by her side until the staff or duty forced him to leave._

_For the first time in all his visits to see her, he pulled his chair closer to the bed - close enough that he could lean against it. He transferred Shepard’s hand from his right to his left and reached up with his now free hand to brush back the precious strand of hair that always found its way across her face - even when she had been in a coma for almost seven months._

_“Was that you, Shepard?” he whispered. “Whether it was or not, I will stay as long as I can. I’ve been waiting...waiting for so long. But I can wait a little longer.”_

_His voice was overcome with emotion again, so Coats closed his mouth and simply used both hands to grip Shepard’s limp one tightly, raising it to his lips and lightly pressing a kiss on the backs of her fingers._

_“Just wake up, Shepard. Wake up...please.”_

_He didn’t hear the nurses’ shift change several hours later. He paid no mind to the staff coming in to check on Shepard’s vitals periodically throughout the night. Coats fell asleep with his head on the mattress next to where he held Shepard’s hand with both of his. But when Earth’s sun rose, Coats rose with it, blinking in the harsh light of day._

_Shepard, however, still lay fast asleep, the orange tint of the sunrise making her fiery red hair glow against the stark, white pillow._

_Coats said no words as he released the Commander’s hand and straightened his uniform. The deep sadness in his chest after a night of such high hope was nearly overwhelming, but he had too much to do today to let this stop him. Maggie wouldn’t want that. Billings wouldn’t want that. Shepard wouldn’t want that._

_Today, he became a Spectre. Today was another day he would make their sacrifices mean something._

 

******************************************************************************************************

 

The Citadel - February 20, 2188

 

Sleep would not come. It had evaded Coats for hours. Shepard had no trouble crashing less than five minutes after she fell into bed, but Coats could not stop thinking about the message he had read just after dinner. He would tell her tomorrow, but for now, he wanted to think about it himself.

Carefully, he lifted the sheets aside and sat up slowly so as not to wake Shepard. He reached for a shirt in the dark, and finding the one he had discarded as he fell into bed, he pulled it over his head silently and left the bedroom behind. Even though he knew she couldn’t hear him through the metal bedroom door, he padded lightly down the stairs to the office. He sat down at the desk quickly and pulled up the message that he had read on his omni-tool five times already this evening.

 

_CONFIDENTIAL_

_To: Spectre Phillip Coats_

_From: Ambassador Steven Hackett_

_RE: Request for Reassignment_

 

_Spectre Coats,_

 

_I have received your request for reassignment and have discussed the matter with the Alliance and the Council. While I have not informed them of the reasons I believe are behind this request, I do have my suspicions. In that light, we do have a position to offer you that hopefully will be in line with your reasons for requesting reassignment, and frankly, I hope you take it, because it would be a great help to me personally._

 

_As you know, I’m no politician. I’m not comfortable with the political life. The last year and a half has been difficult for me as an Ambassador. I know that you probably don’t see yourself as a diplomat either, but humanity needs you. You have proven to be a great leader and a person that the entire human race, if not the galaxy, now sees as a hero, second only to our great Commander Shepard._

 

_If you would be willing, I hope you will take my place as the Human Ambassador to the Council. The Alliance and the Council have approved the switch, and then I could return to my duties as Admiral. That is where I want to be anyway._

 

_You do not have to decide right away, although I would like your answer sometime in the next few weeks. I know it is a sharp change from the role of a Spectre, but you can always resume that post if your situation changes again in the future. I understand if this is not the type of reassignment you had envisioned, but I think you would be the perfect person to fill the role -- the people of the galaxy love you and see you as one of the great faces of our restoration. It will also mean you can be more available here on the Citadel - less travel and more time to be with friends, family, and the like. If my suspicions are correct, then I believe you will be needing a bit more flexibility and free time in the future._

 

_Please let me know your decision at your earliest convenience. Also, I have not informed Shepard of this offer, but if you feel the need to discuss this with her, you are free to do so, but not with anyone else._

 

_Ambassador Hackett_

 

 

It still took his breath away when he read it. Coats read the message over and over again and each time, he shook his head in disbelief. Phillip Coats as the Human Ambassador? What would his father have said? His mother?

 

He knew exactly what Maggie would have said.

_“Don’t let that fat head of yours get any bigger, Phil.”_

“I won’t, Maggie. I won’t,” he whispered into the air with a smirk. But he couldn’t help thinking how far he had come from the simple boy who grew up in a small London flat. He had not been much more than a grunt when Anderson handpicked him. Because of that one fortuitous meeting, he had met and fallen in love with the galaxy’s savior, and now, he was contemplating becoming the Human Ambassador so he could be more available as a father to their child.

But his thoughts of awe and wonder were interrupted when a new message sounded its arrival in Shepard’s inbox. Both of them used the same physical terminal to check messages in the apartment. He had access to Shepard’s messages and she had access to his - the perks of both of them having the same level of clearance. They had no secrets from each other, truly, and usually, Coats did not peek into her inbox for information. He didn’t have to - she always told him if there was anything to know. But as the terminal flashed with a new message, Coats found he couldn’t resist. Who the hell could be sending Shepard a message at this hour of night?

After a brief moment of hesitation, he decided to open it and see what the message was about. He would never have guessed in a million years who it was from.

 

_To: Commander Shepard_  
From: Amelia Smithhart  
RE: We need to talk…

_Commander Shepard,_

_We have never spoken, but I have urgent news that involves Phil. We need to meet in person ASAP. And please, don’t tell him I’ve contacted you. Not until I’ve had a chance to give you the information in my possession. Please believe that I have his best interests at heart. I’ve known him for a very long time and … just trust me that this is something I have tell you in person before you tell him._

_With deep respect,  
Amelia Smithhart_

 

Now Coats was concerned. He had no idea what Amelia would want to speak to Shepard about, but the fact that she wanted to keep it a secret from him was alarming, to say the least. However, he had complete faith in Shepard, and Amelia was like a little sister to him. He couldn’t see that anything she had to tell Shepard would be horrible. Perhaps embarrassing if it had anything to do with Amelia’s knowledge of him as an awkward teenager or something of the sort, but that didn’t make sense in light of the timbre of the message. No, this was something else entirely, but what it could be, he had no idea.

Coats heard a rustling on the stairs and quickly marked the new message as unread. He didn’t want Shepard to know he had been snooping. He was sure she would tell him about the message eventually. No need to press her on it now.

“There you are,” Shepard’s sleepy voice sounded from the doorway as she walked toward him. He smiled at her disheveled hair and motioned for her to join him. “What are you doing?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he answered as she wrapped her arm around his neck and dropped into his lap. “Decided to catch up on a few messages.”

“Come back to bed.”

“Well, you’re all the way down here now.”

“That’s an order, soldier.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” he chuckled as he kissed her cheek. Gripping her back and legs with his hands, he stood up with Shepard in his arms. Sometimes, Coats still marveled at how the strongest person he knew was still so physically small that he could carry her in his arms. She leaned into his chest and sighed.

“You’re always up way too early.”

“I’m coming back to bed with you now.”

She nodded and nearly fell asleep as he walked carefully back up the stairs, trying not to trip while unable to see his feet. When they reached the bedroom, he let her down softly on the bed and crawled in next to her. Her hand reached out for his as she curled into his chest.

_So different than before_ , he thought as he remembered a time when he was too scared to hold Shepard’s hand in the hospital. _So very different in so many wonderful ways._

“I missed you,” she whispered into his neck.

“I love you,” he replied.

“I know… I mean, I love you, too.”

“I know what you meant,” Coats smiled, all thoughts of Amelia’s cryptic message chased out of his mind as he finally drifted off to sleep, safe and warm with Shepard beside him.


	8. Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Without You](http://youtu.be/HhuckvSkNgU)  
>  Lana Del Rey

_The Citadel - March 15, 2187_

 

_“Major Coats, step forward.”_

_In full uniform, Phillip Coats took a step toward the Council as the Asari Councilor had commanded. He tried not to be distracted by the crowds of people muttering all around him, the news cameras crowding for pictures, and the random cheers from far corners of the Council Chambers on the restored Presidium._

_Councilor Irissa continued, “It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel.”_

_Councilor Esheel picked up where Irissa left off._

_“Spectres are not trained, but chosen. Individuals forged in the fire of service and battle; those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file.”_

_Coats’ heart beat fast as he remembered watching Shepard’s induction into the Spectres over and over again, hearing these same words each time. He had never dreamed his life would bring him to this point._

_“Spectres are an ideal,” Wallace, the new Human Councilor, explained. “The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will.”_

_Coats’ only regret as he listened to the colloquy was that Shepard was not here to share this moment with him._

_“Spectres bear a great burden,” Quentius stated. “They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defense. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold.”_

_“You are only the third human Spectre to have been named, Major,” Irissa concluded._

_“I’m honored, Councilor,” Coats said._

_“We ask that you continue in your efforts to assist with the refugees and the rebuilding of Earth as we wait for the relays to be repaired,” Quentius added. “You were inducted into the Spectres today not only because of your outstanding service during the Reaper War, but also because of the selfless service you have rendered to all the people and refugees on the Citadel and on Earth.”_

_“Thank you,” was all Coats could muster. With a nod toward the Council, Coats turned to face the roaring crowd. He couldn’t help but smile when he heard people calling his name. The camera lights nearly blinded him and he had hoped to escape to the skycar unscathed, but one reporter was especially persistent._

_“How does it feel to be the next human Spectre?” Al-Jilani asked when they neared the skycar._

_“It feels like I have a great legacy to uphold,” he replied, thinking of the promise he had made at Shepard’s bedside less than 24 hours earlier. “The two human Spectres before me set the bar extremely high. Ashley Williams, though still missing with her crew, was a smart and extremely talented soldier. And we all know what an exemplary person Commander Shepard is.”_

_“You speak about the Commander as if you know her,” Al-Jilani pestered. “Did you have much of a chance to work with her before the Crucible fired?”_

_“I only knew the Commander for a brief while,” Coats answered, holding back his emotion as well as he could. “But let me say this, she is as amazing as they say she is. Her fighting spirit and ability to conquer impossible odds are something for all soldiers and Spectres to model. It is an honor to count myself among the number of those who have served with her.”_

_Coats tried to duck into the skycar, but Al-Jilani was clearly not finished with him yet._

_“Many of us were saddened by the news of her condition after the war, so let me ask you this, Spectre Coats. Do you believe that Commander Shepard will wake up?”_

_Suddenly, the crowd quieted, holding their breath as they waited for Coats’ response. But the truth was, he didn’t know how to respond. What should he tell them, that he was terrified she would never open her eyes again? That even if she did, she wouldn’t be the same person that she was before?_

_Or perhaps he was more terrified of the alternative -- that she would wake up and not care about him at all. No, he could never tell anyone that he was falling in love with the savior in a coma, a woman he barely knew, and that truthfully, he had started falling for her the day he met her. He could not -- would not -- tell them that he wasn’t sure what scared him more -- the possibility that Shepard would never wake up or the possibility that she might reject him if she did._

Shepard would give people hope, _he thought, gathering his thoughts to end the awkward silence as the world waited for his answer._

_“I believe she will,” he finally breathed. “Commander Shepard was never one to give up. She fought for all of us and if we all continue to believe in her, I know that we will see her amongst us again.”_

_“But aren’t your beliefs a little misplaced?”_

You just don’t give up _, Coats grit his teeth as Al-Jilani continued to press him._ No wonder Shepard punched you in the goddamn face.

_“Isn’t six months a little long to hold out hope that Commander Shepard will awaken? What is your position on keeping her sustained by machines?”_

_This was all just a political stunt. It wasn’t about him or his induction into the Spectres. Al-Jilani just wanted to force him into making a statement about Shepard’s condition._

_“Listen to this -- the Commander never gave up fighting for all of us and I won’t give up hoping for her. She deserves that. From all of us. The honors and accolades I received today would mean nothing and probably would not have even happened if she had not been who she was years ago when this all began.”_

_His chest heaving with anger, he waited while Al-Jilani regained her composure._

_“And just what will you focus on now that you have become a Spectre?” she finally asked._

_“I plan to do what I think Shepard would do. I will make all efforts to scour the system for materials to assist in the rebuilding of the relays and find the Normandy -- her crew. Her friends. And all other survivors in the galaxy. This War took enough from us. It is time we all worked together to repair it, and that is my top priority.”_

_His emotions still raw and heated, Coats could tell that Al-Jilani wanted more, but he stopped her with his hand before he made one final statement into the camera._

_“Shepard really did save us all. And I promised her I would see her on the other side. And when I do see her again, when I look into her eyes, I want to be able to tell her that I did all I could to continue what she started and repair the damage done by this War.”_

_That was enough. He had said much more than he ever intended to, so with those final words, he ducked into the skycar and sat back with relief when the door hissed shut. Hackett crawled in on the other side next to him._

_“You did well,” the Ambassador said when they finally began to move._

_“Did I?” Coats asked. “That was almost worse than fighting the Reapers. That woman is --”_

_“A piece of work,” Hackett smiled, clearly understanding. The two men rode in silence for several minutes until a ping from Coats’ omni-tool startled them both. To his surprise, Hackett’s omni-tool pinged just seconds after Coats’. Intrigued, Coats turned on his interface and pulled up the message._

 

To: Major Coats, Ambassador Hackett

From: Dr. Selina, London Hospital

RE: Commander Shepard Is AWAKE!!!

 

Major Coats and Ambassador Hackett,

Shepard had a breakthrough in neural activity today. She woke for a few brief moments -- just in time to see Major Coats’ induction into the Spectres on the screen. I told you I would turn it on, Major. I thought the two of you would want to know first. She said several words and seems to be herself, but very tired. There is a long recovery ahead of her, but I can now say with medical confidence that I think she will fully heal and be ready to return to duty in a matter of months.

I’m sure she would appreciate a visit from both of you tomorrow. She will be in the same room for a while. We will not break the news. We will leave the decision of when and how to do so up to the Alliance and the Council.

Dr. Selina

 

_Coats found he could hardly breathe. She was awake! Perhaps he hadn’t imagined her hand twitch the previous night. He cursed himself for leaving her side, even for a moment, but he knew he had no choice today._

_He wanted to see her so badly. His heart yearned more than he thought humanly possible to sit by the bedside of a woman he had really only known for a few brief hours, although it felt to him as if he had known her for so much longer._

_“I’m assuming you got the same message I did,” Hackett said excitedly after they both read the message several times._

_“Yes,” Coats said, still struggling to catch his breath._

_“I will go see her as soon as I can. Will you visit her tomorrow?”_

_“I -- I don’t know.”_

_Coats’ fears from earlier came rushing back, crowding out the warmness in his heart with their unwelcome chill. Would Shepard remember him? After all, it was only a few moments in a war zone that they had shared. Did it mean anything to her? Did_ he _mean anything to her? She had no way of knowing that he had sat by her bedside for countless hours. She had no way of knowing that he had stayed awake on stims for two days looking for her body. She had no way of knowing that he was falling in love with her. And the thought that she might not care for him in return -- that might be too much to bear._

_“I just don’t know,” he repeated, staring out the window as the skycar stopped near the shuttle dock._

_“I’m sure it would do her good to see you,” Hackett said, nodding with surprising understanding as the two men stepped onto solid ground. “Can I ask you something, Major?”_

_“Of course, sir,” Coats responded, looking at the ground while walking toward the shuttle waiting to take them back to Earth’s surface._

_“You seem to be very involved with Shepard’s well-being. Very . . . concerned for her -- at least more than I would expect from the rank and file soldier. Is there any chance --”_

_Suddenly, Hackett stopped walking. Coats followed suit, hoping that Hackett wouldn’t ask him what he thought the Ambassador was about to ask. The older man studied Coats’ face intently for a few awkward moments before shaking his head._

_“No. Never mind. It’s of no consequence.”_

_Coats let out an inaudible sigh of relief as the men resumed their course. Neither of them said another word on the ride down to Earth and Coats was grateful. But that night, as he lay in bed, Coats stared out the glass paneled walls of his London flat at the stars, unable to sleep._

_Shepard was awake. And Phillip Coats, Hero of the Reaper War and the newest human Spectre, was too afraid to see her._

 

 

_*******************************************************************************************************_

 

 

The Citadel - February 21, 2188

 

“I just want a fucking burger, is that too much to ask?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the quivering waiter replied. “I don’t believe we have any burgers on our menu. This is a sushi restaurant.”

“I know where the fuck I am. Why did we come to the damn sushi restaurant again?” Shepard asked, turning her anger now on the people who had accompanied her, including Coats. He definitely did not want to answer that question, and luckily for him, he didn’t have to. Ashley jumped in to save them all.

“It was your choice, Skipper,” Ashley said. “We asked where you wanted to go and you said sushi sounded good.”

“Well, I’ve changed my mind.”

Coats tried not to join Garrus as the turian chuckled at his right. Shepard had always been a firecracker. Lately, Shepard had shown a softer side, mostly because of the baby and, Coats liked to think, partly because of their relationship. But occasionally, on nights like tonight, the old Shepard showed through.

“You got something to say, Big Guy?” Shepard said, but Garrus simply flared his mandibles in an amused grin and continued perusing the menu.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Shepard,” he said. Coats, for his part, stayed silent as well.

“Can I get you something else?” the waiter asked, trying again.

“Absofuckinglutely not,” Shepard answered, slamming her menu on the table. “I want a fucking burger and you’re going to get me a fucking burger. There’s a burger joint nearby, isn’t there?”

“I believe so, ma’am, but I don’t think we--”

“Do you know who I am?” Shepard’s ears were turning red with rage.

“Of course. You’re Commander Shepard.”

“Right, then that means you should s--”

Coats decided it was an appropriate time to jump in before the press got wind of the situation and morphed it into a tabloid story. He placed a hand on Shepard’s shoulder, who immediately turned to look at him, anger flaring. But as soon as her flashing green eyes met his cool blue ones, he watched her calm down.

“I’ll handle this,” he said softly, standing up from the table and motioning for the waiter to follow him a bit away from the table. “If you know who Shepard is, then you know who I am, too, don’t you?”

The young man nodded, eyes wide.

“Good. Now, I don’t care what you have to do,” Coats continued, slipping a credit chit into the waiter’s hand, “but I will pay for it. Just go to the burger place around the corner and get her a bacon cheeseburger and some fries. It’s what she likes. If your boss asks why you left, just send her to me and I will take care of it, ok?”

“Yes, sir,” the waiter nodded gratefully. “Thank you, sir.” And with that, the young man ran off. Coats smiled and returned to his seat to receive relieved looks from Ashley and Garrus. This was a night that was meant to be fun for all four of them. They had planned this for weeks but hadn’t had the time until now. Coats wasn’t about to let Shepard’s strange outburst ruin it for any of them.

“I’ve heard that human women have strange food cravings during pregnancy, Shepard,” Garrus said as soon as Coats sat down. “But I didn’t realize they could change so quickly.”

“Watch it,” Shepard warned with a smirk. “And be glad that there’s a table separating us right now. My pregnant ass could still kick yours, Garrus.”

“Care to test that hypothesis?” Garrus replied with a grin, sitting back and taking a drink as Shepard threw out her next attempt at a mock argument with her turian best friend.

Surprisingly, Coats found he was a little uncomfortable with the conversation. This was the first time he had heard Shepard speak openly about the fact that she was pregnant to anyone but doctors. Something about it felt odd to him.

_I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. She’s pregnant. We’re having a baby. People are going to find out soon and I’ll have to get used to hearing about it…_

“When you two are finished, perhaps we can discuss the mission,” Ashley said, breaking into the conversation. “I’m curious where we’re going next. Do you have new orders, Shep?”

Shepard shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Coats could read the distress on her face and reached under the table to grip her knee warmly. He knew why she didn’t want to talk about this subject, but he also understood why Ashley brought it up. They had been on leave for several weeks now. It was odd. Everyone was a bit antsy -- everyone, that is, except Shepard and Coats. They knew exactly what was going on.

It was definitely a new twist in his life story, just as becoming a Spectre had been a year ago, but it was a twist he was excited about, even more so because he wasn’t doing this alone. He had Sarah at his side.

But Coats knew that Shepard was nervous about her friends’ reaction. Would they judge her for the decisions the two of them had made? Would they still respect her if she was no longer their leader? After his reassuring gesture, Shepard rewarded him with a quick glance and a half-smile. Finding renewed strength, she turned back to Ashley.

“Actually, I do have some news on that front,” she began slowly. “There will be a new mission, but I won’t be leading it.”

Ashley furrowed her brows and Garrus tilted his head slightly to the side as Shepard continued.

“You see, Phillip and I both requested reassignments, and we’ve both received them. It was all settled yesterday. The two of you are the first to find out. I’m sure the Alliance will let everyone know soon enough, but it’s all very fresh. I suggested that you lead the next mission, Ash, and I think that they will probably ask you to.”

“Is this because of the baby?” Garrus asked.

“Yes,” Shepard nodded. “I’m very healthy and would probably be capable of serving for a while still, but my clothes _are_ starting to be a little tight. In a month or so, I’ll be showing and then there would be too many questions. We decided to accept different posts and avoid any discussions of, you know, dishonorable discharge and just general gossip.”

“So what are your new posts?” Ashley pressed. Shepard looked to Coats for support, so he coughed and spoke up first.

“I’ve been offered Hackett’s position as the Human Ambassador,” he said, squirming a bit in his seat as he said it out loud for the first time to someone other than Shepard. “I accepted, although it will be a bit overwhelming at first. It will let me be here on the Citadel for Shepard and the baby with a very flexible schedule, and I won’t be considered an official part of the Alliance Navy anymore, so fraternization won’t be a problem either. And I still retain my Spectre status. I just won’t be assigned to active missions, so if our situation changes someday, I --we, both of us-- can return to Spectre duties if we choose to.”

“Those fraternization rules you have,” Garrus shook his head. “It’s a damn good thing I’m not Alliance Navy or-- ow!” Garrus hunched over slightly as Ashley elbowed him in the ribs.

“For what it’s worth, Coats,” Ashley said after Garrus sat back up, “I think you are a fantastic choice for the position. The races of the galaxy already respect you as someone who has tried to help everyone repair after the War, not just humans. In fact, I can’t think of anyone who would be a better candidate for the job.”

“Thank you,” Phillip said, inclining his head slightly.

“Shepard?” Ashley asked, turning her attention to the Commander.

“I’ve been offered a training post at the N-school,” Shepard responded. “I’ve never taught people directly, but I’ve mentored a lot of marines, and the Alliance seems to think it’s a job I can do up until the day I have to take some time off for the baby.”

“I think that sounds perfect,” Ashley said with a smile.

“I figure, if Jack can train a bunch of kids, so can I, right? If nothing else, I’ll get to kick James’ ass around as often as I want.” Shepard laughed and everyone joined in with her.

“So you two are all set up then,” Garrus said, becoming strangely quiet and eyeing his drink. “You know, during some of the darkest times of the War, I wondered if those of us who fought the hardest would ever reap the benefits of that fight -- the peace and prosperity we all hoped would come if we won.” The turian smiled and looked around the table before grabbing Ashley’s hand in his and staring back at Shepard. “I’d say that it all sounds about right to me. We all managed to stay alive, mostly because Shepard led us out of hell. Some of us found love, and now the two of you are about to embark on new careers and start a family.”

Family. That word kept popping up in places and at times Coats least expected it. Each time he heard it, his eyebrow twitched. He glanced at Shepard who seemed unphased, simply smiling back at Garrus while he spoke.

_So beautiful_ , he thought as he watched her. _Always so beautiful. I have to make this permanent...I don’t know what I would do without you..._

“I can’t think of much else that could be better. Congratulations, to both of you,” Garrus concluded.

Shepard smiled and reached for her glass. Raising it in the air, she turned to look directly at Coats. His heart fluttered as it did every time she looked at him like that. Turning back to her friends again, she said, “To us. To all of us.”

Coats, Ashley, and Garrus all raised their glasses in response and said, “To us.”

After they all took a sip of their drinks, Shepard appeared agitated.

“Something wrong?” Coats asked.

“Yeah….where’s my fucking burger?”

The table erupted in laughter just in time for the out-of-breath waiter to return with three plates of sushi and one specially-acquired bacon cheeseburger with fries.


	9. First Day of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [First Day of My Life](http://youtu.be/zwFS69nA-1w)  
>  Bright Eyes

_London, England, Earth - October 22, 2187_

 

 

_The call was the same every week._

_“She’s doing very well, Major. There’s really no need for you to call me to check on her. You should go see her yourself. I’m sure she would appreciate the visit.”_

_Hackett said the same words every time, but Coats just couldn’t bring himself to take the Ambassador’s advice._

_“Thank you, sir, but I’m very busy with my Council assignments at the moment. I just like to know how her recovery is going. Coats out.”_

_He shut off the call as soon as possible. He didn’t want to hear Hackett tell him anything more. Coats knew he should go see Shepard, but he was afraid. Afraid of what, he wasn’t really sure, but whenever he even thought about visiting Shepard, his skin became clammy and his tongue went dry. What would he say to her if he visited?_

Oh, hello, Commander. I hope you’re well. We had such a wonderful, intimate moment before you saved the galaxy. I was hoping you remembered me, and by the way, I sat by your bedside every time I was in London while you slept. I also think I might have fallen in love with you even though we barely know each other. That’s not creepy at all, I hope.

_No. He couldn’t bring himself to do that. It would be easier if he never had to see her again than risk the chance that she didn’t want him. Or worse, that she didn’t even recognize or remember him._

_Sighing, he stood up from his desk and stretched. He had been studying reports and mission assignments for far too long. He had several choices of assignments to tackle next, but he was stalling in making a decision. Even though he wouldn’t directly go see Shepard, he knew that part of the reason he was putting off a decision was a foolish hope that the longer he was in London, the better the chance that he might simply run into Shepard by chance. Running into one another would be different from seeking her out -- less forced, less awkward, more natural._

_The cool of fall had set in, but London had seen a surprising warm spell in the past few days. Coats leaned against the glass wall of his high-rise flat and stared down at the people below. Big Ben mocked him with painful memories, as it always did, from a distance. Pushing off from the glass with a frustrated huff, Coats decided to enjoy the last lovely days of the Indian summer. He quickly changed into his running shorts and headed down the elevator to the street._

_The air was crisper than it had looked from inside his apartment, but the sun was warm. Coats soon found that he was perspiring slightly as he ran, and constantly his rhythm was interrupted by civilian after civilian calling his name and waving as he jogged past._

Do all these people really know who I am?

_But just as he rounded a corner on that thought, his body jolted as it collided with someone running in the opposite direction._

_“Shit!” came the female voice of the second runner. “Watch where yo--”_

_And then she stopped. Coats felt frozen as well. Hadn’t he just been telling himself how unlikely it was that this very event would happen -- that he would by chance run into Commander Shepard if he stayed in London longer? Hadn’t he been scolding himself for delaying making a choice of assignment because of the foolishness of that thought?_

_But yet, here she was. Right in front of him. One brow drawn down in frustration at the collision and the other raised in surprise when she saw him._

_Was it possible she recognized him? Possible she remembered him?_

_His heart pounded in his ears as he stood up and brushed himself off._

Get ahold of yourself, _he thought as he willed himself to look at her again and tried to flash a smile. Extending his hand, he said, “Commander, this is a pleasant surprise.”_

_“Coats,” she replied as she accepted his help to her feet._

_“Yep. That’s the name.”_

_He watched as Shepard brushed off her own clothes. Even after falling to the ground, she was absolutely stunning._

_“Congratulations on making Spectre,” she said._

_“Thank you,” he replied. “It was indeed an honor.”_

_He had never seen her in anything other than a military uniform, but now she was wearing nothing other than a pair of short running shorts and a sports bra. He willed himself to stare at her bright green eyes and nowhere else as she spoke. He was sure he was grinning like a fool, but he didn’t care. Part of him hoped that this was some kind of sign. Part of him regretted not going to see her sooner. The conversation felt relaxed and comfortable, Coats’ former nerves dissipating as soon as Shepard acknowledged that she remembered who he was. Maybe he had been right to wait. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe he would have been completely tongue-tied if he had had time to plan an encounter. But with a chance meeting like this, he was forced to act on instinct. To be himself._

_“Do you often run this route?” he asked._

_“Not usually,” she answered. “Ash and I usually run up around the park at the edge of the city. I decided to try something different since she couldn't make it today. I'm more of a city girl anyway.”_

_“Me, too," Coats said with a smile. "Grew up here in London. Born and raised. My family lived here my whole life until --”_

_Why did he bring that up? The happy, comfortable look on Shepard’s face quickly faded at the same time that Coats’ emotions caught up with his words. His family. The War. All of it gone._

_“Shepard, I’m sorry --”_

_“You want to get out of here?”_

_He had to stop himself from blurting the first thing that came to mind._ Oh, God, yes. Anywhere with you. _Pulling himself back together, he said, “Yeah. My flat’s not far from here. Thirsty?”_

_“You bet.”_

_They walked in silence for most of the way. Coats’ blood was rushing through his veins at the thought of Shepard in his apartment. This was even more than he could have hoped for in a chance meeting. He had thought they might see each other in passing or bump into one another on their way to visit the Council. Never had he thought that she would be walking with him back to his apartment, even if it was just for friendly conversation. He tried to be polite to all the people who stopped him on the way home, but he was anxious to get past them and into the safe privacy of his flat on the top floor._

_The elevator had never felt so slow._

_“Nice view,” Shepard said as soon as they entered the living room. He watched as she walked straight toward the desk near the glass wall that faced Big Ben._

_“Thanks,” he called out to her as he headed for the kitchen. “I’m popping open a beer. You want one?”_

_“Drinking a bit early, aren’t we?” she teased and Coats couldn’t help but smile._

_“It’s afternoon,” he said, walking toward her with two bottles in hand, his hair standing on end when her fingers brushed against his as she took the beer from him._

_“True,” she replied. They stared out in silence over the city. Coats found his attention drawn to two landmarks in his view -- Big Ben in the distance, still mocking him as always, and Shepard at his side, so close he could smell the sweet scent of her hair._

_But the wafting smell of rose petals was not enough to completely distract him from the view of the city. The tower staring back seemed to mock him with the pain it forced him to relive each time he saw it. Coats knew why he had chosen this apartment. He wanted to be reminded of that pain. He felt a certain guilt for surviving when those he loved had not. Forcing himself to see the terrible symbol of his family’s suffering kept him grounded and made him continue to serve others, even when he thought he had seen enough._

_And although he had only known her a short while, Coats felt like that was something Shepard would understand. She was so close to him, so physically close, but yet still so very far away. He longed to bring her closer, to make her a part of his world._

_“I spent three days in that fucking tower,” he said quietly through gritted teeth, “shooting at anything that moved.”_

_Shepard said nothing in reply, but she continued to stare at the tower ahead of them, her brows furrowed together._

_“The Reapers attacked. I was on base -- outside the city. I was trying to make it back to my family. Help them evacuate. I made it as far as that tower before --”_

_Fire shot up his arm when he felt Shepard touch him. He was surprised at the gentleness of her hands. She was a soldier, one of the best, but her fingers had halted his pain with a simple brush against his skin. It was a kind gesture. She knew this was painful for him. He didn’t have to explain anymore. She understood._

_She was looking at him then. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her face. Every line, every tiny freckle, told him that she felt his pain. That she knew his suffering. That she didn’t want him to hurt anymore._

_His chest felt like it would burst open with the enormity of feelings gushing from his heart. But all he could do was return her gesture with a soft touch of his own, taking the very arm that was still tingling from the contact and gently stroking her extended forearm with his fingers._

_She continued to watch him as he raised his trembling hand to caress her shoulder. Coats could have sworn that she leaned into his touch as he methodically dragged his fingers over her soft skin. That same precious stray hair was in her face as always, so he softly tucked it behind her ear._

_It was just too much for Cotas to handle._

_“Oh, God, Shepard -- I want you!”_

_He felt his face redden with embarrassment before he even finished the words. Surely, she would reject him. None of this meant anything. The gentle gestures they had shared did not mean she cared for him or that she wanted him for anything more than a connection. His fingers trembled with regret on the nape of her neck._

_But what came out of her mouth next was the most surprising thing to occur yet that day._

_“Take me.”_

_He didn’t need to be told twice. He found himself holding her tight against him as she leaned forward against the desk. Her bare waist was beneath his hands as he kissed her neck over and over, watching as her knuckles whitened while gripping the edge of the surface in front of them. He let his hands slip higher and higher with each gasping breath she released._

_He remembered the first time he had ever seen her and how Billings had commented on her small breasts. How many times Coats had fantasized about what those petite orbs would feel like, he couldn’t say, but he could find out now. Easing his fingers beneath the band of her sports bra, he felt her push back against him. Soon, he had both her breasts tightly in hand, nipples taut and waiting for him. He pinched and teased them, groaning with aching desire as he felt her chest heave with short breaths._

_But she had surprises in store for him as well. He nearly cried out when her nimble fingers reached behind her and stroked his stiffened length, throbbing with need._

_“Shepard…” he whispered, nearly losing his grip on her as he slid his hands out from under her bra and back down her waist. He pressed her forward, steadying his hands on her back before passing down to the curve of her ass and pushing her shorts and panties to the side._

_“Oh yes…” she whispered back as he stroked the wetness he found there, his cock jerking with each moan Shepard made beneath his fingers. He could see her this time. There was no darkness of the alley here. The sun hung high overhead, allowing Coats to watch the muscles of her back work as his fingers worked inside her, her ass rise and fall as he probed deeper and alternated rhythms on her clit, and her eyes open and close each time she sighed and moaned from his touch._

_Yes. Chance meetings were much better than planned ones._

_Once both their shorts and undergarments had made it to the floor, Coats felt his breath hitch at the sight of the beautiful woman before him. A slight sheen of sweat graced her features as he placed the tip of his cock just inside her entrance, hissing at the warmth and wetness that lured him further. He wanted to hold out, to make this last, but Shepard gave one final lusty moan and Coats could stand it no longer._

_“Oh fuck.”_

_He began to pump furiously inside her, his breathing and rhythm uncontrolled. He shook the desk and watched with satisfaction as both their beer bottles fell to the ground. Coats grit his teeth, waiting and waiting for what he wanted so desperately to happen before he released. When Shepard shouted his name, he let himself go, pressing himself as deep as he could inside of her._

I love you!

_He wanted to shout it so badly, but he held back, instead releasing a throaty cry of pleasure as they came together._

_But now what? What happened next? They dressed in silence, but Coats didn’t look away as he did in the alley. He tried to catch Shepard’s eye as often as he could, smiling at her each time._

_Coats’ heart sank when Shepard began to make her way to the door without another word. But just when he was struggling to come up with something to say to make her stay, she spun around and looked at him one more time._

_“Major Coats,” she said._

Addressing me by my title. That’s not a good sign.

_“Commander?” he asked, tentatively._

_“I’m going on a mission in a week,” she continued. “Assuming that Selina, Felton, and Chakwas clear me in a few days, that is. I was wondering if you have any other pressing engagements or if you might like to accompany me on the Normandy for a while?”_

_He had delayed choosing an assignment. He had waited hoping that he would have the one in a million chance of running into Shepard randomly while in London. That had happened. And now she was asking him to serve with her for a period of time, however long or short it might be. He was free, because he had waited._

_What were the chances of that happening?_

_He didn’t dwell on the mathematics involved and simply said, “What’s the mission?”_

_“It’s a repair effort,” she answered with a sideways smile. “Something I think you would be particularly suited for. You seem to have a way with . . . people.”_

_“A repair mission, hmmm?” He couldn’t help but smile. “Sounds like it’s right up my alley. I’d be happy to join.”_

_“Perfect,” Shepard smiled in return and Coats found in that moment that he had a new goal -- make Commander Shepard smile that smile as often as possible. “We leave next Thursday at 0800. But I generally expect my crew to be on board by 0600 on the day we ship out.”_

_“Fine with me. I look forward to it.”_

_Perhaps it wasn’t the ending he had hoped for, but perhaps it was also better than an ending. This wasn’t an end. He would see her again. And soon._

_“I should go,” Shepard said, turning back to the door._

_“Commander --” Coats stopped her just before she left, hoping his eyes communicated at least a portion of what he felt. “Thank you.”_

 

*******************************************************************************************************

 

The Citadel - February 28, 2188

 

“It’s about fuckin’ time.”

Coats was still getting used to Jack’s brash manner.

“What do you mean?” he asked as he picked up the last box of his belongings from the skycar.

“You two have been fuckin’ and breeding like rabbits for months,” Jack said over her shoulder while carrying a similar box. “It’s about time you officially moved in together.”

“Well, we haven’t actually bred yet,” Coats teased.

“You knocked her up,” Jack answered. “That’s breeding in my book. Kudos by the way.”

“Just shut up and carry the box, Jack,” Shepard called from the front of the line.

“You’re not the boss of me right now, Shepard,” Jack retorted. “I’m doing this as a favor, not because I’m the fucking Queen of the Girl Scouts like you. You better be nice to me or I’ll drop this shit right here.”

“There’s plenty of beer in the fridge when we’re done,” Shepard replied.

“There better be.”

Coats stifled a chuckle, still not sure how he fit in with all of Shepard’s long-term friends, but he did know one thing. He knew where he stood with Shepard for sure. He knew she loved him and that this was for real.

There had been very few nights since they had left Khar’shan that Coats had spent in his own flat planet-side, but they had happened. Technically, he didn’t live with Shepard and she didn’t live with him, even if he had spent the majority of his time on the Citadel with her. But after both of them had accepted their new posts, Shepard had popped the question. Not a question, exactly, so much as a command.

 

_“I think you should move in,” she had announced one morning as he exited the shower, still dripping wet and grasping for a towel to wrap around his waist. Shepard had reached for it first, denying him the decency of covering up while she eyed him up and down with a smile. Coats had struggled not to blush._

_“Move in?” he asked, hoping that by moving the conversation along, she might give him a towel. He was right. She threw it at him with a half-smile._

_“Yeah. So I can be guaranteed to have this view every morning.”_

 

Coats had simply stared at her when she finally left him alone in the bathroom again, but he had ended the lease on his apartment that day. Now, a week later, all his belongings were finally aboard the Citadel in the apartment that he and Shepard, together, called home.

Home. A home with the woman he loved. A new family they were creating together. And no more Big Ben towering over their lives, haunting their memories.

They spent the rest of the day arranging Coats’ belongings in different areas of the house. His clothing was the last thing to be organized after Jack had left just he and Shepard to finish the rest of the unpacking.

Shepard had apparently had enough of unpacking after only a few minutes of the final box of clothes. She flopped on the bed and crossed her hands over her barely protruding belly.

“So you’re done helping, huh?” Coats asked as he hung another shirt.

“I’m fucking pregnant, Phil. I shouldn’t be doing all this work,” she smiled.

_Phil?_ , he thought, turning his back to hang up another shirt in the closet. _Since when does Sarah call me Phil? Only my family called me Phil..._

But then he remembered the cryptic message from Amelia the other night. Something urgent. Something about him. Something Amelia didn’t want Coats to know about.

If Shepard was calling him Phil, it seemed that either she had read Amelia’s message already or she had come up with a new nickname for him. Coats felt the latter unlikely, so why hadn’t Shepard said anything about Amelia? He wanted to ask her, but tried to push the thoughts out of his head and turned around with a grin.

_Worry about it later. She will tell you about it when she’s ready_ , he thought. But out loud, he said, “I see. Well, it was _your_ idea for me to move in.”

“And you accepted the offer.”

“Damn right I did,” Coats laughed as he reached for another shirt. “Who wouldn’t accept an offer to shack up with Commander Shepard?”

“Well, only you were invited.” Coats replied with a quick peck on Shepard’s cheek before he grabbed yet another shirt. Shepard sat back and sighed while Coats finished up the job. He had only hung a few more items of clothing when Shepard stopped him again.

“Phil! Stop! Come here quick!”

At first, he was worried, but when he saw the look of happy surprise on Shepard’s face, he relaxed and rushed to her side.

“Feel this.” She gestured to him frantically as he sat beside her, taking his hand in hers and placing it on her abdomen. “Can you feel that?”

Coats held as still as he could, waiting and hoping he would feel whatever it was that Shepard wanted him to feel.

“Damn it, he’s not doing it anymore,” Shepard sighed, releasing his hand, but Coats held on for a few seconds more.

“Just give it a moment,” he whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He loved her eyes in that moment. He loved them all the time, but in this very special group of seconds where he waited, hand gently placed on his lover’s stomach, hoping to feel something from the life they had created together, her eyes glowed especially bright and Coats absolutely adored the way she looked right then.

And then he felt it -- a faint jabbing feeling just beneath his palm.

If he thought he loved Shepard’s eyes in the moment before, he really loved them now, when her entire face lit up with an unspeakable joy.

“You felt it?” she asked softly.

“I felt it,” he replied.

“I fucking love you,” she whispered, bringing a hand up to caress his cheek.

“I love you, too,” he answered before bending down to give her a kiss.


	10. The Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Girl](http://youtu.be/mS8xDo-qM8w)  
>  City and Colour

_The Citadel - October 30, 2187_

 

 

_This night was definitely going better than Coats had imagined._

_He had been nervous when the late call came through on his terminal. A call he would never have expected - a social invitation to a party for Shepard on the Citadel. Coats had reluctantly accepted when Ashley Williams made it clear that his resistance was futile. After the screen went dark, he had proceeded to fuss with his hair entirely too much before finally heading out the door with the “slightly messy look” that Maggie had always liked, hoping she was right when she had told him over and over that he was “handsomer when he didn’t try so hard.”_

_When the door of Flux slid open before him, Coats nearly stepped back at the blast of thumping music coming from the club. Taking a deep breath, he fought to calm his nerves and stepped over the threshold, looking around for anyone he might know._

_He froze when the first person he saw was Shepard herself. A pair of skin tight jeans and a cropped white tank below loose, shaggy red tresses was tearing up the dance floor - and not necessarily in a good way. But for Coats, just the sight of Shepard looking so happy and carefree was enough to make him smile. And that outfit…_

_Suddenly, Coats found his mind wandering back to his flat a few days ago. He could almost feel her skin beneath his fingers, her body pressed against his, her breath hitching as he touched her--_

_“Major Coats?”_

_He tore his eyes away, hoping he had not been drooling visibly. Liara T’Soni. That was the face of the smiling asari before him. He forced himself to pull it together._

_“Dr. T’Soni,” he replied with a smile, shaking her extended hand._

_“Very nice to see you again. We’re over here,” Liara shouted over the din while motioning to a table in the back corner, away from the dance floor. Coats nodded in response and let out a breath as the loud music by the door grew a bit quieter with each step he took toward the corner table._

_“Some people are dancing. Others still have not yet arrived,” Liara said as she took a seat. “Care to join me?”_

_“You aren’t going to dance?” Coats asked as he took a seat opposite Liara._

_“I’ve had my fill for now,” Liara smiled. “I’m glad you could make it tonight. It’s very nice to meet you and your work is admirable.”_

_Coats inclined his head slightly and said, “Thank you.”_

_Their conversation was interrupted as the only surviving prothean in the galaxy returned to the table with drinks in hand. Liara stood as Javik approached._

_“Thank you,” she said as she pecked the prothean lightly on the cheek while reaching for her glass. Coats masked his surprise at the unexpected gesture between the couple by glancing quickly at Shepard on the dance floor. There she was. Still dancing like her life depended on it while others cleared the area for fear of bodily injury. Smiling, he turned back to the pair near him and Javik nodded in response before assuming a seat next to Liara._

_“I do not believe we have properly met,” Javik said. “I remember you from the last battle and I have seen your face on all the news stations, but that is all I know of you.”_

_“Major Coats, Alliance Navy,” Coats replied, extending his hand to the prothean. When Javik did not respond in kind, Coats retracted his hand, grateful that the dim light of the club could hide the color of his cheeks. “I, uh, I’ve been invited to attend the repair effort with Shepard and Williams.”_

_“So I’ve heard,” the prothean replied, still staring him down._

_“Javik,” Liara scolded. “Don’t scare him off. In this cycle, we are kind to new friends.”_

_“I will admit that this soldier has done much for his people,” Javik responded. “For that reason and that reason only, I will respect him.”_

_Liara shook her head and returned her attention to Coats. She looked as if she were about to say more when they were interrupted by Shepard’s appearance with Tali’zorah at her side. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but from the glances in his direction, it was clear the two women were talking about him. Coats resisted the urge to shift uncomfortably in his seat by standing to greet the Commander, forcing himself to look into her eyes, crop top and all._

_“Major Coats?” she said with a half-smile._

_“I hope you don’t mind I came,” he replied, summoning as dashing a smile as he could manage. “Williams invited me.”_

_He kept the smile plastered on his face despite watching Tali whisper something he couldn’t hear in Shepard’s ear and Shepard replied in kind, still out of earshot. But after turning back to face him fully, Shepard said, “Welcome to the party. We're here to celebrate my return to the world by getting shitfaced and making asses of ourselves. Hope that's your idea of a good time.”_

_Her easy-going manner quickly put him at ease. He flashed her a true smile this time and stifled a chuckle._

_“Sounds perfect.”_

_They just stood there for a few seconds, staring at one another in the dim light of the club. Coats wasn’t sure what to do next, so he simply returned to his seat on the couch behind him. To his surprise, and great excitement, Shepard had followed him and assumed the seat next to him. His heart had started to pound hard against his chest when another familiar face came to say hello._

_“Coats, glad you could make it!” Williams smiled as she sat on the other side of Shepard._

_“Me, too,” he replied. No sooner had the words escaped his mouth than Jack plopped down in a seat opposite him and Shepard._

_“So this is the piece of meat Ashley told me about,” the tattooed woman said with a smirk. Coats’ eyebrows flew up in surprise. Him? Was she talking about him? He didn’t have an opportunity to ask since Tali quickly jabbed Jack in the ribs with her elbow._

_He began to feel a bit worried about what Jack’s comment could imply. Although his meetings with the Commander had been brief and revolved mostly around sex, he had truly felt like the last time they had been together meant something more. Shepard had listened to him talk about his family. She had even seemed to feel some sort of empathy for his loss. But perhaps his hope was misplaced. Perhaps he_ was _just a “piece of meat.”_

_But he didn’t have a chance to mull over the implications of the statement for long. Jack’s reaction to Tali’s battery shocked him back into the conversation._

_“Ouch!” Jack cried. “What the hell was that for? Shepard hasn’t claimed him. I can play, can’t I?”_

_No. Phillip Coats did not want to be played with, and now he had an opportunity to make a statement._

_“I haven’t been_ claimed _,” Coats said, still very unsure of how to respond to the whole awkward situation, but something did give him the courage to put his arm around the back of the couch behind Shepard. After all, everything in the conversation seemed to imply that there had been some sort of talk about him and Shepard amongst her friends, whatever that might mean. “But I’m not one to ‘play,’ either. Sorry to let you down, Jack.”_

_Had he been clear enough? He thought his heart might burst free of his chest from nervousness and his hands were clammier than ever. He had just declared his interest in Shepard through his words and actions, but would she and her friends pick up on his signals?_

_He wasn’t sure, but at least Shepard didn’t push him away. She stayed, sitting by him, while the rest of her friends returned to their corner. He listened and laughed at the casual banter they all participated in. Coats longed to be a part of it, but he didn’t understand most of the inside jokes. He was just grateful for the chance to be here at all with his arm still perched precariously behind the woman he loved, just waiting for a chance to drop and feel her shoulders against his forearm._

_But he didn’t have the courage to do it. Eventually, he reached for a drink, and instead of returning his arm to her back, he simply rested it at his side. He didn’t want to be_ too _obvious._

You’re acting like a schoolboy, Coats. What are you afraid of?

_But whenever Shepard looked at him, he knew exactly what he was afraid of._

_Eventually, Shepard stood up to replenish the party’s supply of alcohol. He watched her go with a smile but keenly felt the absence of her warmth next to him as soon as she was gone. He tried to engage in conversation with the rest of the crew around him, but he was distracted by every glimpse he could catch of the Commander through the crowd. Her brazen locks flashing in the club’s light. The way her hips swayed in those tight pants. The curve of her belly just above the place where the pants fastened. Coats had to shift in his seat several times to hide an uncomfortable tightness below his waist._

_She was headed back to them now, drinks in hand. Her face was bright and smiling with an expression of pure relaxation. As she returned to the table, Coats realized that she was watching him, staring directly into his eyes as she smiled. Not Tali’s eyes. Not Jack’s. Not Ashley’s or Garrus’ or anyone else’s eyes, but_ his _. Phillip Coats. A nobody from London. He couldn’t help but smile back using as genuine a smile as he could muster in the dingy light of the club. Coats only had two thoughts as she grew closer and closer - that Sarah Shepard was absolutely beautiful and that he loved to see her so happy._

_But all that changed when an unfamiliar voice called her name from behind, wiping that glorious smile from her face._

_“Shepard!” the voice called._

_Coats flinched as the glass Shepard was holding fell to the floor and shattered. He resisted the urge to jump to his feet in her defense. He had no clue who this person was who had such power over her as to cause that wonderful smile to so quickly disappear at just the sound of his voice, but he knew it wasn’t his place to get involved. Why would Coats’ presence matter anyway? He wasn’t her boyfriend. Was he even her friend yet? Besides, Shepard didn’t need his protection. She could handle herself, but Coats clenched his fists in sympathetic anger all the same._

_Shepard turned around slowly, her back now facing Coats. At first, he didn’t recognize the man standing just beyond Shepard, flanked by two other strong men in black uniforms. But when Shepard said, “Jacob” in reply, it triggered another memory. A memory from the day he had met Shepard. The last day of the Reaper War._

 

“What happened, Private?” Coats asked briskly as he walked toward the door. Coats had ordered the communications tech to assist Shepard with whatever she needed, but the younger soldier had abandoned Shepard in the comm room. Coats demanded to know why.

“I don’t know, sir,” the Tech saluted. “She talked to a bunch of people. The last one was a Mr. Taylor. After that, she appeared agitated and asked me to leave.”

 

_Coats hadn’t thought much of who “Mr. Taylor” was at the time, too distracted by other concerns to worry about who the man was and why he had caused Shepard distress. But now that the War was over and Coats had received more access to the Alliance records, he had figured that the person was Jacob Taylor, an ex-soldier who had accompanied Shepard on her mission against the Collectors._

_Now, as he watched the unpleasant conversation unfold before him in sharp contrast to the throbbing music of the club, Coats began to put the pieces together, and the full picture forming in his mind was one that forced his brows together and his knuckles to turn white as he gripped his seat, making himself to stay seated and out of Shepard’s business. This was her battle. He would not interfere uninvited._

_“Does this look like a bar in fucking Rio to you?” Shepard asked the man in front of her. From behind Shepard, Coats could not see the Commander’s face, but he could see Jacob Taylor’s expression. Everything changed in that moment, and not for the better._

_“I’m not going to apologize, Shepard,” Taylor replied. “You are who you are, and we all know it.”_

_“And what’s that supposed to mean?”_

_Coats watched as Shepard’s hands clenched at her sides. He felt his own muscles clench in involuntary sympathy._

_"It means that you don't let people get close to you," Taylor said. "Not really. I told you before, you have one love - the Normandy. There wasn't room for anyone else in your life. You can't blame me for moving on."_

_No, Coats didn’t like this at all. Whatever Taylor’s prior relationship was with Shepard, the tension in the air being a fairly clear indicator of what that might mean, and whether Taylor was right or not, it was obvious that the former crewmember had stepped way over the line. What happened next did not surprise Coats in the slightest. He felt himself smirk without flinching as he watched the muscle-bound ex-marine fall to the floor with a satisfying thud._

_He didn’t pay attention to the details of the brief conversation that happened after Jacob Taylor suffered the consequences of his actions. All Coats could do was watch Shepard. Her every movement still had him hypnotized. Clearly, she was shaken. He longed to comfort her, but he knew it wasn’t his place. He wanted to tell her that what Taylor had said wasn’t true. Even in their brief moments together, he knew that Shepard was a person who felt things very strongly -- perhaps stronger than anyone else in the room. But Commander Shepard was also a professional who was able to mask those feelings and get the job done. It was one of the reasons that not only did Phillip Coats love this woman, but he respected her more than anyone else he had ever known._

_She looked at him before she exited the club. Her face said everything he needed to know._

_Sarah Shepard was embarrassed that he had seen this exchange._

_After everything, Coats thought it surprising that Shepard’s face was so clear to him in that moment. He barely knew her, after all. How could he tell what she was thinking?_

_Because he loved her. He loved her and he knew it for certain in that moment. Any doubt he had felt on the subject was gone in that instant. There was no disguising how he felt about her now._

_But Coats realized there was more to it than that. Shepard must care for him in return. That must have been the reason he recognized his own feelings in her eyes staring back at him. Perhaps what she felt for him wasn’t love. Perhaps it wasn’t even a fraction of what he felt for her, but as she looked at him, he knew he wasn’t imagining things._

_There was something there. He was sure of it._

_Coats watched Shepard go with sadness. He wanted to tell her. He_ needed _to tell her, but how?_

_He had to find a way. He vowed to find a way to tell her he cared for her, to let her know that Taylor was wrong, that anyone in the galaxy was wrong if they thought she couldn’t feel. He knew she could feel, and he wanted to hear that she felt something for him as well._

_And if Shepard ever told him she cared for him, he would guard her heart and her trust with his life._

 

 

*****************************************************************************************************

 

The Citadel - March 7, 2188

 

It hadn’t even been a full week at his new job, and already Coats was feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed. Learning all about his new role as the Human Ambassador was definitely taxing. He had so many names to learn. So many histories of different people. So many nuances of culture to internalize so he didn’t offend the other races. He could manage it, but this first week had been brutal.

The one respite he had was coming home to Shepard at the end of each day.

He knew Shepard was feeling similarly about her new position. Although she had mentored marines throughout her career, training the group of highly-qualified and highly-skilled soldiers accepted into the N-program was a unique challenge. She was definitely up to it, Coats had no doubt, but he knew that one thing that helped Shepard get through each day was the fact that James Vega was one of the trainees. Having someone there that she knew encouraged and strengthened her as she learned the ropes of her new role as “teacher” and “trainer.”

Coats, on the other hand, had no one to give him encouragement each day, so he was especially glad to see Shepard when he got home.

As he entered the door to the apartment they now shared on the Citadel, Coats could immediately tell that something was different. Sometimes he beat Shepard home and sometimes she had beat him home, but usually when Shepard made it home first, there was clear evidence of where she was and what she was doing. Tonight, however, Coats simply found Shepard’s N7 jacket hung over the back of the couch by the entryway with no other signs of her presence.

But then he heard something he did not expect - muffled voices coming from the office, and neither of the voices sounded happy. Coats quickly and quietly made his way to the back office. At first he didn’t recognize the second voice, but as soon as he was close enough, his eyebrows shot up when he identified who it was that had paid Shepard a visit before he arrived home.

“No, Amelia, I’m not going to keep this a secret from him,” Shepard said.

“It’s for his own good!” Amelia Smithhart, Coats’ sister’s childhood friend turned reporter replied. “This is why I had to talk to you in person. This is why I came here to see you. You had to hear this from me and you _must_ understand the importance of protecting Phillip!”

“For how long?” Shepard replied, clearly frustrated. “How long do you expect me to not tell him? That just isn’t going to fucking happen. He’s a grown man. He doesn’t need you to _protect_ him!”

“It’s not just about Phil. She’s not ready to see him yet. You can’t do this to him or to her!”

“I can and I will.”

“You’re being very selfish.”

“No! You are being selfish!”

Coats took a step back when he heard a chair move, presumably Shepard, who he guessed had risen from a chair in anger at Amelia. Who was this “her” that the two women were talking about? Who was this mysterious person who was not ready to see him yet? Coats racked his brain for any clue as to who Amelia might think Shepard should keep a secret from him. An old girlfriend perhaps? Coats didn’t even know where any of his old girlfriends might be and an old girlfriend was definitely not the type of secret that would demand Shepard’s silence. Coats had absolutely no idea what the two women could be talking about.

“I thought you cared about Phil!” Amelia yelled back at Shepard.

“I fucking LOVE him! Don’t you dare suggest that I don’t!” Shepard screamed. Although Coats did not like the sound of Shepard so upset, he couldn’t help but smile as his Sarah proclaimed her love for him to Amelia even when she didn’t know he was just around the corner to hear it. He heard Shepard sigh and take a deep breath before continuing.

“Look, Amelia,” she began in a quieter voice. “I realize that this has been a difficult burden for you to carry alone. I know you think that you are protecting him, but that logic is flawed for two reasons. First, Phillip doesn’t need your protection. And second, he _deserves_ to know about this! I appreciate that you care for Phillip, but he has been more loyal to me than anyone I have ever known and he didn’t have to be. He’s not been loyal to me as a subordinate officer or a friend. He’s loyal to me as a true partner. We do not keep secrets from each other. And there is absolutely no way in _hell_ that I will keep something like this from him now. I’m going to tell him and you can’t stop me.”

Coats could hold back no longer. He had to know what these two women were arguing about. Straightening his shoulders, he stepped around the corner and into the office. Both Shepard and Amelia flicked their eyes toward him in surprise.

“Tell me what?” he asked, looking back and forth between Shepard and Amelia’s faces in turn. Amelia looked flabbergasted. Her mouth opened and closed several times before she turned to Shepard. Shepard rolled her eyes at the blonde woman beside her and took a step forward toward Coats. Amelia reached out briefly and made a sound to stop her, but Shepard shook the other woman’s arm away and reached for Coats’ hands.

“You should sit down,” she said softly while staring intently into his eyes.

That was the last thing Coats expected Shepard to say. Was it really that serious?

“Please,” Shepard pleaded. Coats looked over Shepard’s head at Amelia and back at Shepard again. Sarah’s green eyes had not left his face and he could tell she was truly troubled by whatever it was she had to tell him. Without another word, Coats turned behind him and found a chair, placing himself in it as Shepard knelt before him.

“Ok, I’m sitting,” he said as he nervously tucked his favorite stray hair behind his favorite girl’s ear. “So tell me what you need to tell me.”

Shepard smiled at him. “It’s good news, actually,” she said. “Amelia contacted me a little while ago and asked to meet with me, because she gained some information from a source. She didn’t tell you until now, because she didn’t want to get your hopes up. But now she--”

“Sarah,” Coats interrupted Shepard’s rambling. Shepard blew out a large breath of air. Although Coats was relieved that Sarah had decided to tell him about the message and no longer keep it a secret, he needed her to focus.

“Just tell me,” he said in the softest tone he could muster.

“It’s Maggie,” Shepard said reverently. “She’s alive.”

At first, the words seemed as if they were in another language. The simple phrases didn’t register in his brain. But after several seconds of silence, the reality of what Shepard had just said hit him like a tidal wave.

“Maggie...” he whispered before tears clogged his throat. His sister was alive. That was what Shepard had just told him. That was the secret message Amelia had wanted to keep from him. Almost two years that he had counted Maggie Coats among the ranks of those lost to the Reapers, and now he learned that his beloved little sister was not dead. She was out there somewhere. Alive.

Coats studied his lover’s face carefully. She seemed to read his thoughts. Shepard nodded at him as her own eyes filled with a wetness he had seen on very rare occasions.

“It’s true,” she replied. “I checked Amelia’s information. She’s not lying. She was found by a group of recon soldiers and taken to a station separate from yours. She’s very much alive.”

“How was I never told? Why didn’t her name ever come up? Why hasn’t she contacted me?”

Amelia stepped forward this time and forced herself into Coats’ view.

“She was injured,” Maggie’s childhood friend said. “She was unidentified for a long time, because she remained unconscious. When she woke up, she had lost her memory.”

Coats remembered poring over lists of names each day during the War, hoping against hope that he would miraculously find the name of his mother or his father or his sister somewhere among the wounded. He never had, and now he knew why.

His sister had been counted among the vast number of “Unidentified Persons” in the lists he had coursed through at the end of each long day.

“And now?” he asked, afraid of what Amelia would say.

“That was why I didn’t want to tell you this yet,” Amelia replied. “She still doesn’t know who she is. I have been to visit her. She doesn’t remember me. She doesn’t remember her family. She doesn’t know her own name. I found her through a source who told me where unidentified victims were being treated. I just couldn’t let go of the idea that she might be alive. She is the closest thing I have to family, so I searched facility after facility until I found her.”

Coats’ heart sank at the realization that he had so easily given up on finding his own sister. After hearing what he thought was his family’s destruction over the comm on that fateful day at the top of Big Ben, he had lost hope. He had moved on when their names never appeared on the daily lists of survivors. He had abandoned Maggie to her fate.

But he would not abandon her now.

“Where is she?”

“She’s planetside, at a special wing of the hospital in London.”

“I want to see her.”

Coats stood up definitively to match his statement. The clot in his throat was gone. He had to see Maggie. He didn’t care if she couldn’t remember him. He would never abandon her again.

“She’s not ready to see you yet,” Amelia said, shaking her head. “The doctors say--”

“I don’t give a fuck what the doctors say!” Coats lashed out. His heart was pounding and his chest heaved with short breaths. He felt Shepard at his side and gripped the hand that reached for his. With her touch, Coats felt himself calm down, but his mind was still made up.

“I don’t care,” Coats said, softer this time. “Somehow you got to see her. I deserve to see her.”

“I was only allowed to see her so I could identify her,” Amelia protested.

“I’m family! I’m all she has left! I’m going to see her. If she can’t remember me, then it won’t hurt her to see me. I’ll just be another well-meaning visitor. There’s nothing you can say to stop me, Amelia. Sarah was right to tell me about this, and now that I know Maggie is alive, nothing will keep me from her.”

Amelia pursed her lips as if she were stopping words from flowing out in further protest. It was clear that Coats had made up his mind, and Shepard supported him in his decision as evidenced by her hand squeezing his tightly.

No more argument was heard. No other preparations were made. The trio made their way to the skycar that would take them to a shuttle.

Coats was grateful not to be alone in this moment. He was relieved that Sarah was at his side. He had so many conflicting thoughts to sort through as they boarded the shuttle and headed planet-side. But despite all the turmoil and anguish in his mind, one reassuring thought rose above all the rest.

Maggie was alive, and he was going to see her.


	11. Something I Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Something I Need](http://youtu.be/qKCGBgOgp08)  
>  OneRepublic

_The Citadel -- November 1, 2187_

 

 

_The Normandy._

_After all the years of hearing stories about the famed ship, Coats was finally here on her decks, listening to the soft hum of the engine room below as the elevator descended. And not only was he about to embark on a mission on this ship of all ships, but he was now a Spectre serving with Commander Shepard, the Savior of the Galaxy._

_He had said it a million times already, but yet again, he found himself silently thinking,_ If only Billings were here to see me now.

_The elevator stopped its descent and released him onto the crew deck. He had arrived early, hoping to have a chance to settle in before the rest of the crew arrived, but as he rounded the corner, he nearly tripped over his own feet at the sight of Commander Shepard crouched in front of an armor locker by the med bay. Somehow he found his feet and moved forward, and equally miraculous was the sound of his own voice echoing off the walls of the empty mess._

_“Shepard.”_

_She didn’t acknowledge him immediately, but after a few painful moments, she stood and turned to face him. But her expression wasn’t what he had hoped. Coats wasn’t sure what he was reading in her face, but she definitely didn’t look happy to see him. Clearing his throat, he attempted to breach the awkward gap between them._

_“I -- I’m glad we finally have this chance to, uh, work together. It’s sure a lot different than meeting in a war zone.”_

_Shepard’s eyebrows lifted immediately at his reference._

Shit, _he thought._ Shit, shit, shit. You just _had_ to bring up that chance encounter, didn’t you? Now she will think all you want is a hot fling in a dark corner somewhere. You should have listened when Maggie tried to teach you how to talk to women…

_But Commander Shepard seemed to take the greeting in stride._

_“Good to have you aboard, Major,” she said as she extended her hand to shake his. “Two Spectres on the same ship is a novelty, but as long as you remember who’s boss, we’ll be alright.”_

_Coats laughed nervously in reply. “Duly noted.”_

_And there the conversation fell dead. It was all Coats could do to stop from shuffling his feet awkwardly in the silence, but yet again, it was Shepard who spoke first._

_“Yes, well, we’re both damn good soldiers with distinguished service records. And I’ve caught much of the news coverage of you since I woke up. You do good work; I’m sure we can manage this mission without stepping on each others’ toes too much.”_

_Now it was Coats’ turn for his eyebrows to fly upwards. She had watched the news coverage of him? And now_ she _looked nervous. What did she have to be nervous about?_

_She continued to ramble in a way that Coats could only describe as adorable, but somehow the word did not seem to be an appropriate description for the strong, tough woman in front of him. But adorable was the only one he could think of._

_He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his lips. He decided to rescue her from her embarrassed mutterings._

_“I didn't ask for the press," he said softly. "I had hoped..." He paused as he struggled to find the words for what he felt. “I had hoped that when you awoke you would find a galaxy repaired, thanks to your efforts.”_

_"Pfft. I may have saved the fucking galaxy,” she responded dismissively as she waved her arm at him, “but you've been doing the repairs while I waited for those incompetent doctors to get me back in shape. And I was knocked out for six months before that, remember?"_

_"I remember," Coats replied. He didn’t like to think about that time, those dark months he had spent waiting for her to wake up, sitting silently by her bedside whenever he could. "I also know that we wouldn't have a galaxy to repair if not for you," he added softly._

_He watched something change in her as he said those last words. There was lightning in her eyes. He could feel it. The tension between them was something tangible, something he could touch. Coats found himself frozen in place as he watched more indescribable emotions pass over Shepard’s face, but when she took a step toward him, the air became so electrified, he wasn’t sure he could breathe. When he felt her lips on his, he lost all thought of anything but the taste of her tongue, the pressure of her hands on his waist as she pushed him backwards, the growing ache in his gut as he released the air he had held painfully in his lungs._

_The kiss lasted only a few brief seconds, but it was enough to leave him aching for more._

_“Not here,” she whispered to him as she pulled away, seemingly as breathless as he was. He could not utter a word. All he could do was grip her hand when she reached for his and follow as she led him toward the forward battery. Coats was so focused on the rush of blood in his veins each time Shepard’s red hair flashed in the dim light that he did not immediately notice the two figures shrouded in the shadows of the main battery once the door slid open._

_Shepard noticed, however, and her surprised voice slapped him back into reality._

_“Shepard,” Coats heard a turian voice._ Must be Vakarian _, he thought, realizing he was correct as his eyes adjusted to the strange tones of the surrounding light. “Didn’t think you’d be making rounds so soon.”_

_Coats’ mind didn’t register much of the conversation that occurred between his commanding officer, Garrus Vakarian, and Ashley Williams. Part of him realized he should be shocked to find the turian and the human Spectre all over each other in the shadows of the main battery of the Normandy, but all he could think about was how quickly Shepard had released his hand when she realized there were other people who might see them together._

_Again Coats reminded himself that no matter how much he might care for Shepard, she did not -- would not -- see him as anything more than a good soldier and a fun fling. What he had to decide was whether he could live with that or not. He wanted more, so much more. But was he willing to settle for less just to have the chance to be near her?_

_He did manage to pay enough attention amidst his confused thoughts to know that Williams would be accompanying them on this repair effort. Coats had no objection to that particular addition to the party, and before he knew it, the battery doors hissed shut and he was alone with the Commander again._

_She mumbled something about needing to give Joker their coordinates. He muttered something in reply. The truth was that he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for. A flinch? A blush? Anything that might show him that she cared for him at all?_

_But she said nothing more than, “I should go.”_

_As she brushed past him, her shoulder gently bumping his, Coats made up his mind. An inexplicable yearning overtook his chest as she had begun to move beyond his reach. In that moment he knew that he would do anything to be near her. She might not care for him now. She might not care for him ever. But Phillip Coats knew one thing, and that one thing would make any pain she might cause him worth it._

_Sarah Shepard made him feel alive._

_“We could continue this...when you’re finished with Joker,” he said, reaching out and grabbing her wrist gently. A shock of warmth jolted from his fingertips all the way up to his shoulder when his skin touched hers._

_Yes. That was the feeling that brought him back to her again and again. To feel alive...to feel alive like this was worth every ounce of suffering this course might cause him._

_To his surprise, Shepard didn’t even think before she replied with a breathless, “Yes.”_

_“I have a few matters to take care of in my quarters," he said, releasing her arm. "Shall I meet you in yours? Say...1900? After dinner?"_

_"Yes,” she replied, just as swiftly and briefly as before._

_"As you wish, Rear Admiral.”_

 

*****************************************************************************************

 

London, Earth - March 7, 2188

He had hoped to never have another reason to come to this hospital again once Shepard had recovered, but as the sun began to set on the western horizon, Phillip Coats found himself back at the same building where he had visited Shepard week after week while she was in a coma. And yet again, he found himself hoping for a miracle. Nearly one year ago, he had hoped only that Shepard would wake up again. Now, he hoped that his sister would remember him.

The confidence he had in the apartment on the Citadel was beginning to fade. Amelia didn’t think he should visit Maggie yet. Maggie didn’t remember anyone, she had said. She didn’t even remember her own name. Coats had felt so sure that no matter what, he should see his sister and see her now. But what if he was wrong? Would this cause her pain or confuse her already damaged memory? And how would he feel to look into his sister’s eyes and know that she did not or could not recognize him?

The only thing that kept him grounded was the constant pressure of Shepard’s hand in his for the entire duration of the ride to the planetside hospital. He looked into her face often to find a reassuring smile each time. She was his strength now. Her eyes sustained him and kept his heart beating -- kept him alive.

Most visitors at the hospital were leaving at this time of day. Visiting hours were over. But even though it had been many months since Coats had traversed these halls to visit Shepard, the faces of the doctors and nurses remained the same. Many of them nodded as they recognized him walking side-by-side with Shepard. No one stopped them. No one questioned why they were there at the close of the day. Coats was grateful that he didn’t have to explain himself to anyone, because at that moment, he wasn’t sure he could find the words to tell them the reason for his visit.

Until this evening, he had thought his entire family was lost to him forever. He had given up his sister for dead. Within the last hour, he had learned she was alive and here in this hospital.

He had to see her.

Amelia slowed as they approached an open door at the end of a long, silent wing of the building.

“This is her room,” his sister’s childhood friend said as she turned to face him. “Will you let me go in and speak with her first? I won’t tell her who you are or that you are coming. I simply want to see how she is feeling this evening before we intrude on her like this.”

Shepard looked to Coats for guidance, and still unable to find words, Coats simply nodded in reply. Amelia ducked silently into the room in front of them. Coats could hear mumbled voices as his heart beat faster with each passing second. When Amelia didn’t return for several moments, he could resist the pounding of his heart no longer.

It only took one step. One small step and he could see around the doorjam. And there she was, laying back against her pillow, her long dark hair splayed out around her in stark contrast to the white hospital decor all around her. His eyes welled with tears as the first thought that pierced his mind was that she looked like an angel. And she very well might have been one. There was no doubt in his mind that the woman in that hospital bed was his own Maggie Coats.

She was laughing at something that the doctor was saying. She smiled at Amelia and listened as the blonde-haired woman spoke softly. Her face lit up the entire room. Coats’ whole world fell away and all he could see was the cherubim-like face of his baby sister, alive and well before him.

But then he remembered that she was not entirely well. It was impossible to miss the fact that there was a flatness under the covers of the hospital bed where her right leg should have been. Amelia had neglected to tell him about that.

But beyond the physical injuries his little sister had incurred in the war, her memory was perhaps the cruelest injury the Reapers had inflicted on her. She had no memory of her friend Amelia at her side; she only knew Amelia as a kind person who visited her. She would not know him when he walked through the door. She did not even remember her own name.

It was a squeeze of Shepard’s hand that finally spurred him onward. She must have sensed his hesitation, and decided to find a way to pull him out of his reverie. Or perhaps she just wanted to remind him that she was there. Whatever her reasons for the simple gesture of affection, Coats was grateful for it, but he was even more grateful to have her at his side.

He didn’t wait a second longer. He didn’t wait for Amelia to come out of the room and tell them it was ok. Coats was going to see his sister.

The room became silent when he walked in the door. The doctor making rounds looked at him with surprise. Amelia stared at him in dismay.

But Maggie just smiled at him.

“Well, hello, stranger,” she said in her sing-song voice. “Welcome to my room. I’m not sure why you’re here, but judging from their reactions, it appears that everyone else does. I would offer you some tea, but I’ve been told we’re all out at the moment.”

It was still her. Everything about her was the same. Except that she didn’t remember who she was. She didn’t remember him.

“There’s no need for tea,” he said with a smile, holding back tears as he found a chair to pull up to Maggie’s bedside. “I’m just happy to visit with you.”

“Oh, dear,” Maggie said, reaching for his hand. “Somehow I’ve upset you. I have a way of doing that to people, it seems. This nice woman, Amelia, had a similar reaction the first time I met her.”

“I don’t believe you could ever upset anyone,” Coats replied, gripping her hand in return. Maggie’s eyes turned quizzical at that moment. A brief flash of panic passed through him as he looked up at Amelia. Had he said something wrong? Had he upset Maggie somehow with that comment?

But before he could read Amelia’s expression, Maggie’s voice demanded his attention return to her.

“Your voice,” she whispered, her brows furrowed. “There’s something about your voice.”

Coats didn’t know what to say. Should he say something else? Was this a good sign? He didn’t have much time to think about how to respond, because Maggie continued to speak.

“Where are you from?” she asked.

“Here,” he said. “I was born and raised here, in London.”

“Maybe it’s your accent then,” Maggie continued.

“Perhaps,” Coats replied, but his sister kept gazing at him intently. He found he couldn’t look away.

“No,” she said softly. “No, that’s not it.”

The silence in the room was heavy, bearing down on Coats’ shoulders as he realized he was holding his breath.

“I know you,” Maggie finally whispered. “I don’t remember anything else, but somehow, I know you.”

Coats felt his hands shaking as he responded quietly.

“Yes, you do. And I know you.”

Several desperate moments passed. Maggie studied his face for a few of them but then her gaze shifted to something just past his shoulder. Coats didn’t have to look to feel the presence of his love entering the room behind him, but suddenly, the look in Maggie’s eyes changed. A flash of recognition passed over her face.

“I know you, too,” she said to Shepard behind him. “I’ve seen your face somewhere.”

Still without tearing his eyes away from his sister, Coats relaxed when he felt a gentle, familiar pressure as Sarah laid her hand on his shoulder.

“Yes,” Maggie continued. “I’ve seen you on the news. Commander Shepard, right?”

“That’s right,” Shepard replied.

“They say you’re a hero.” Maggie smiled as she continued to stare searchingly at Shepard’s face. “That you...saved us...somehow…” Maggie’s voice trailed off as she switched her gaze back to Coats’ face.

“And you…” Maggie became silent and the room held its breath in anticipation. “That’s how I know you, too, isn’t it?”

Coats could barely hold back the emotion from his voice as he said, “Something like that.”

He wanted to shout it from the bottom of his lungs. He wanted to tell her his name. He wanted Maggie to see him, to really see him. But even though he had ignored Amelia’s advice and come to visit his sister, he would not push her harder than he already had.

“Yes, I remember something, actually,” Maggie said with a nod. “Seeing your faces makes me...remember...something.”

Her eyes fell on Shepard’s face again. For several moments, her gaze shifted from Shepard’s face to Coats’ and back, over and over again.

Finally, she laid her head back on her pillow and closed her eyes.

“I want to remember so badly,” she whispered. With Maggie’s eyes closed, Coats finally let his head hang between his shoulders as he leaned forward on his knees. Perhaps it was foolish of him to come. Perhaps he had done more damage than good. Perhaps Maggie would never remember him.

But just as he had that last thought, he heard Maggie speak again, her voice less than a whisper.

“Phillip.”

Coats’ head snapped back up as he locked eyes with his sister. She was no longer leaning back against her pillow with closed eyes. She was staring at him intently as a single tear found its way down her cheek.

“Phillip,” she whispered again.

An unnatural sound escaped his throat as Coats suddenly leaped to his feet and wrapped his arms around his sister’s shoulders. His chest heaved for air as if he couldn’t get enough.

“Mags,” he whispered in reply.

“Yes,” Maggie said as he pulled away. “That’s my name. I had forgotten it.” Her eyes trailed over the faces in the hospital room.

“And...you brought Commander Shepard?”

Finally, everyone in the room released the tension in a soft chuckles as they watched Maggie’s expression change from confusion to disbelief.

“Yes,” Coats chuckled. “I brought Commander Shepard.”

“Well, whatever your real purpose in bringing her here, I’m glad you did,” Maggie said as she smiled at Sarah still standing behind Coats. “Thank you, Commander. It’s a lot to take in, but I believe that it is partly you that kickstarted my memory.”

“Happy to help,” Shepard replied.

“Phil,” Maggie whispered to her brother with a smile as she waved for him to lean in closer. Phillip obeyed as he turned his ear to his sister, still whispering loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear her. “I don’t know what kind of pull you have to get the Commander here, but she’s very pretty. You should definitely ask her out.”

The small laughter earlier was nothing compared to the loud, amused laughter from everyone in the room.

“Did I say something funny?” Maggie asked with a grin.

Coats struggled to get himself under control. Once the laughter subsided, Coats smiled at his sister.

“I believe we have a lot to catch you up on, Maggie,” he said. “But for now, let’s see what we can do about getting you home.”

“Home?” Maggie asked.

“Yes, home,” he replied. “Let’s take you home.”

“I’m so ready to go home, wherever that is,” Maggie sighed as she leaned back against her pillow again. “It’s good to be alive.”

“Yes,” Coats said as he gripped Shepard’s hand when it returned to his shoulder, a familiar jolt of warm electricity shooting down his arm at her touch. “It’s very good to be alive.”

**Author's Note:**

> A very special thank you, again, to [DarkAislinn](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkAislinn/profile), who even though she has an extremely busy schedule and writing projects of her own, she always takes the time to help with mine through beta-reading and constant encouragement. Go check her out!


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